Dating an Orange Narcissist

An old mate of mine turned up to the farm with a baseball cap on.

It wasn’t sunny.

As we shook hands I noticed his head was bandaged.

“What have you done to your head, cobber?” I asked, concerned for his wellbeing.

“I’ve just had a surgical procedure,” he said. “Grafts.”

I had no idea what that meant.

But apparently, a surgeon yanked the hair from his rump then sewed it into his noggin, like a seed. And then my mate spent the next few weeks watering it with enough worm juice so that hopefully a few bum hairs would sprout.

Or something like that.

“How much did this hair-raising procedure cost you?” I asked.

“Forty grand,” he said sheepishly.

“No,” I gasped.

“Yeah, yeah,” he laughed.

Now my mate paid for this out of the savings in his Smile bucket.

But if you're missing both your hair and your savings, help is at hand:

“Thinking about a hair transplant but the cost is holding you back? You may be able to access your superannuation on compassionate grounds to fund your treatment…”

Check this Facebook ad out:

Huh?

In 2024, Australians lodged more than 90,000 applications to raid their super early on compassionate grounds. Over a billion dollars was released, mostly for medical costs. Authorities are now calling out businesses that push people toward overly expensive or unnecessary treatments funded by their retirement savings.

And some of those treatments include hair transplants.

Apparently this now falls under ‘mental health’.

Right.

Getting bum fluff sewn into your head and calling it a mental health necessity is a stretch.

But think about what happens when these blokes are old and grey and finally do the maths. Factor in the tax on early withdrawal and decades of lost compound interest, and that $40,000 procedure can quietly turn into a $200,000 mistake.

All for something that, in most cases, is optional.

My mate can afford it. Plenty of people can’t.

And they’re the ones being sold.

One day they’ll stop working. One day they’ll have to start living off what’s left. And if they’ve been dipping into it early, that moment will arrive with less than they thought.

It’s enough to make you tear your hair out!

Tread Your Own Path!

P.S. We're heading into the school holidays, so I'll catch you in a couple of weeks!

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Your Questions & Answers

• Dating an Orange Narcissist 

• Am I Really the Bad Guy?

• I Spent $800 on takeout food 

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Dating an Orange Narcissist

Hi Scott,

A lot of us Barefooters signed up to ING back in the day for the free banking and the good rates. Now I'm reading they've rolled out a paid subscription model overseas, up to $75 a month for the bells and whistles, and Australia's apparently on the list. If ING goes down that road, where are we all supposed to go?

Daniel

Hi Daniel,

I rang up ING (admittedly when I was at the boozer).

"We're not doing it this year," the employee assured me.

So next year then.

After all, the big boss in Europe gave an interview to Bloomberg under the headline: "ING introduces subscription model to lift fee income." It also confirmed our little penal colony was on the list for the gouging.

"He said the quiet bit out loud ... that makes your job hard," I said.

"Uh, yes, it does," he said.

My view?

Banking is a lot like dating a narcissist.

When you first hook up they're all lovey dovey, and low-maintenance:

No bank fees! No ATM fees! High savings rates!

Then they get comfy. And slowly the hoops appear:

"Show me your pay packet if you want a good rate."

"Don't you dare touch your own savings, or my interest in you will... vanish."

They treat you worse every year ... putting out less and less, betting you're too busy to leave.

So where to next?

Well, I had a brief affair with UP, yet they ended up jerking me around as well.

My business banking is with a credit union, but that's kind of like listening to music on a walkman. It's financial virtue signalling, and mostly impractical.

Personally, I'm not playing banking Tinder, swiping right on every outfit that flirts with an extra 0.7%, knowing full well it disappears the second the honeymoon ends.

My view?

ING are not the sweetheart they were when I first wrote my book, but they're no Big Four either.

A subscription fee to hold my money though?

That'll be the day I tell them to pack their bags.

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Am I Really the Bad Guy?

Hi Scott,

Both my parents have passed away and I'm inheriting the family home 50/50 with my sister. Neither of us plans to live there. She wants to keep it for sentimental reasons. I want to sell. It's a large acreage with an older house. Mowing, weeds, rodents, the works. And I can't stomach an empty house when people in our community are desperate for somewhere to live. My sister wants to buy me out via a long-term payment plan. But she's already said "you don't really need the money anyway," refused any discussion about terms, and forbidden me from asking about her finances. I've suggested she borrow from a bank instead. She thinks I'm being unreasonable. I'm yet to start a family and this money matters. Why does wanting my fair share make me the bad guy?

Tim

Hey Tim,

Your sister is grieving the loss of your parents, and right now that's guiding her decision to keep the joint.

You also said you're 'about to inherit the home' which tells me it's still pretty raw.

This is what happens mate! It's a totally understandable reaction.

So what can you do?

Give her some time. (You've got two years from the date of death before Capital Gains Tax kicks in.)

The reality of maintaining an acreage property is a pain in the toosh, and expensive as hell. So give it six months.

At the same time I'd find a way to honour your parents and your family. Maybe it's starting a new tradition, a yearly long weekend retreat that the entire family goes on. Or perhaps it's a donation in their name.

My wife's late father was a teacher. Each year she and her brother go back to his old high school and present a prize to a student in his name. It's sentimental, meaningful and hopeful all wrapped up in one night.

Better yet, ask her for some ideas.

You're not the bad guy. You're her brother, and with a little support you can help her with her grief, and help her use the money to honour them. That's the legacy they'd be proud of.

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I Spent $800 on takeout food

Scott,

In 2021 a friend recommended your book to me. I was in a bad place, in a relationship that was incredibly abusive, emotionally and financially. I read it that Christmas and went through my spending. I was spending $800 a week on takeout because my cooking was "too shitty" for him to eat. After I'd worked a full day and he'd spent it gaming because "no one is hiring babe."

That was a devastating wake-up call. I restructured my spending and started saving. By the end of 2022 I was free. Tonight I got my end of financial year bonus. I've officially hit my 20% deposit goal, Scott. I can buy a home. I am happy crying right now. I have six months of expenses saved, a healthy ETF account, and I am free.

Sara

Hey Sara,

Hallelujah!

There is so much doom and gloom right now.

The government. Capital gains tax. The cost of living. All very real speed bumps. Yet the algorithm of outrage makes them feel like dead ends.

Not you, Sara.

You were in a genuinely awful situation. A bloke who wouldn't eat your cooking and wouldn't get a job.

Yet instead of staying stuck, you opened a book, set up some buckets, and followed the plan.

Year one you sorted yourself out.

Year two you walked out the door.

Year five you're happy crying over a deposit.

That is its own special kind of compounding.

I've answered thousands of letters over the years. What I've found is it takes most people about 12 months to sort themselves out, and around six years to become financially bulletproof.

Not many people follow a plan for five years. But the ones who do get moments like this.

A home deposit. Six months of expenses in the bank. An investment portfolio ticking away in the background. And something far more valuable than all of them:

Freedom. Well done. Enjoy tonight. You’ve earnt it.

Thanks for reading,

Scott

I'm at WAR with My Mum’s Toy Boy

Scott, 

Five years ago, my Mum, aged in her early 70s, went overseas and fell for a much younger man. After a period of long-distance dating, he finally moved here, and they got married. 

Mum is telling me that she's sending $1000 a month back to his family as 'that is the tradition'?!  Now, she tells me that when she goes, everything will go to said hubby. I don't know how much she has in Super and Savings and she's owned her house outright for over 10 years. 

Am I being jealous, greedy and selfish or would I have a legal right as the only (‘flesh and blood’) child to continue the tradition of passing down to family, as I have 2 children, each of whom, will receive an equal share of my funds when I die. 

I have a great relationship with Mum but we've never discussed wills and I've never pried into her accounts and affairs. As for her non-working, much younger husband, we clash, and he just seems to be sitting back almost rubbing his hands with glee. I'm torn as to what I can do. 

Sia

Hi Sia,

I can see why the chicken might be a bit chewy at the family roast.

A much-younger unemployed bloke marries your 70-year-old mum, moves countries, scores a free house, sends money to his family, and lines up to inherit everything. All in the name of "tradition."

It's a tradition alright. Toy boys have been cashing in since Cleopatra hired her pool boy.

Here's the truth: you can't control your mum or force her to change her will. What you can do is write her a heartfelt letter explaining how this affects you as her daughter and your kids as her grandchildren.

But whatever you do, don't go to war with him. He's not stupid—he's landed the only job where being unemployed comes with a house and inheritance.

Sia, there's only one guaranteed way to lose: letting this wreck your relationship with your mum. If it doesn't go your way, refuse to let this stress bleed into your life. Instead, use it as fuel to build wealth for your own kids and model the legacy you wish you'd been part of.

Scott

Mouldy, Desperate Parents

Hi Scott,

We’ve spent the last seven years stuck in a financial and emotional loop, paralysed by fear of making the wrong decision for our family. Here’s our situation: we have five young kids, two of whom have special needs. The only school that caters to their needs is a two-hour drive in the morning and up to four hours in the afternoon – every single day. We’re barely managing with jobs, kids and constant driving. Meanwhile, our house is nearly paid off, but it has mould, making it a health hazard. It’s also worth only a third of homes near the school. 

We’ve inherited $900,000, but it’s tied up in property – meaning we can’t use it to ease day-to-day stress or invest elsewhere. If we sell and buy closer to the school, we risk losing all our financial security. If we stay, we continue to struggle. If we rent, we burn cash but get closer. If we knock down our house and rebuild, we risk sinking into debt. Every option feels like a mistake, so we’ve done nothing for seven years. Meanwhile, property prices keep rising. Scott, how can we break free from this paralysis and make the right move for our family’s future? We’re desperate!

Linda

Hey there Linda,

Ever heard of the boiling frog analogy?

Well, you and your husband have been simmering away in that pot for seven years! You’ve got five kids (two with special needs), a six-hour daily commute, and you’re returning to a mouldy home?

You must be ready to croak!

Here’s my take:

You’ve already set yourself up well: your house is nearly paid off, and you’ve got $900,000 to work with. So, why are you still stuck in this pot?

It’s time to jump.

Here’s what I’d do:

First, sell the house.

Second, rent near the school for now – even if it’s for the next 12 months. Think of it this way: you’re buying back 1,200 hours of your time each year. Six hours a day, all for your family and your mental health. That’s the most important investment you can make.

Should you buy in the new area? 

Maybe. But don’t stress about it right now. Renting buys you time to decide. You can always make the long-term decision when the time’s right.

Don’t get stuck obsessing over the price of rentals. Think of it this way: the price of your rent is worth every hour you’re getting back with your family. And that is the smartest investment you can make right now.

Finally, I want to tell you this: I have a huge amount of respect for you both. You’re holding it all together for your kids, and that’s no small feat. You’re tough. But remember, kids grow up fast, and the time to invest in them is right now. Don’t waste another minute.

Eat the frog!

Scott

Single Mum Turns Down $3 Million

Dear Scott,
 
I’m a single mother raising two children on my nursing wage. I have just paid off my house in Tasmania and am now adding 10% to my super each pay. I don’t renovate or travel far. No dishwasher and a broken oven. It has come to my attention that I am to inherit $3 million from a relative. This is generous but wealth like that brings complexity. I have set myself up to retire on $42,000 per year when I’m 65. I don’t need more and I prefer the simple life of living within my means. And I want my children to do well in their own right and own a home eventually. However, I don’t want to take the satisfaction of doing it themselves away. I was thinking of purchasing a large parcel of land in Southern Tasmania to protect it from developers in the future. What would you do?
 
Grace
 
Hi Grace
 
You are obviously a weirdo.
 
However, your weirdness comes from a place of deep contentment, wisdom, and living your values.
 
You have something that most people will never have:
 
ENOUGH!
 
Yet while it’s true that wealth does bring complexity, it also has its advantages, especially for a single working mother. So if I were in your shoes I’d divide the inheritance into three accounts:
 
First, I’d put a small amount in an online savings account for emergencies (and to fix your oven!).
 
Second, I’d put a large amount into an ethically invested index share fund (given you’re bent that way).
 
Why would you want to do this?
 
So you can be in a position to do the ‘Barefoot Property Ladder’ with your kids. You can incentivise your kids to save as hard as they can by matching their house deposit savings, dollar for dollar. (And remember, your kids may not choose to live in Tassie. If they instead choose to live in Sydney, you’ll need a bloody big ladder!)
 
Finally, I’d set up a private ancillary fund (PAF), which is a type of charitable trust. You donate money into the PAF and receive an immediate tax deduction. Then each year you can use the money to give to the charities you choose. The key is to get your kids involved in deciding where to donate this money. Who knows, hopefully some of what you’ve got will rub off on them!

Scott.

Can I Block My Husband?

Hi Scott,

I dread my parents passing away! Apart from the emotional devastation, I am petrified about the financial impact the inheritance (built during a lifetime of hard work) may have. I wish to invest it to secure my family’s future, but my husband will want to spend every cent. He refuses to do a budget and will not ditch the credit cards, and I fear this will be another area in life where he will cause havoc. Do I have any right to block him (without divorce)?

Kim

Hi Kim,

Yes, technically, you could block him.

Here’s how:

First, you’d get your parents to set up a three-generational testamentary trust (which means their assets are automatically placed into a trust after they pass).

Second, you’d name a relative -- who is on your side – but independent-- to be the trust executor.

Third, they’d (hopefully!) keep a tight grip on what the trust money gets spent on.

And then you’d all live happily ever after!

Well, actually, let’s role-play this for a second:

You: “I’m getting an inheritance from Mum and Dad, but I’m not allowing you to spend any of it.”

Husband: “Huh? Why?”

You: “Because … I actually don’t trust you with money … you’ll just end up blowing it.”

Stop.

Kim, how do you think the rest of this conversation will play out?

Badly, I’d suggest.

It sounds like you need couple’s counselling to focus on the underlying issues in your marriage.

Regardless, I like the idea of a three-generational testamentary trust, mainly for the flexibility it affords in tax planning. Still, while your parents are getting their lawyers to draft this up, ask them to include a ‘divorce protection trust’ in their wills.

Just in case.

Scott.

Hit Me Baby One More Time?

Scott,

My four siblings and I have inherited close to $100,000 between us. I am the executor, and am unsure how best to manage the funds. At the moment two of my siblings are unaware of the inheritance as, to be honest, they will most likely spend a good amount of it on drugs. Would it be best to divide it individually, or invest it as a whole, or set up trusts for these two? Even with a trust, I don’t know when the best time to release the money would be. Help!

Chris

Hi Chris,

Have you seen the explosive documentary on Britney Spears?

After Britney went off the rails in 2008, her old man took out a court-approved conservatorship. This order essentially makes him her legal guardian and gives him authority over her finances and personal decisions. The controversy is that many of her fans believe the conservatorship is exploiting rather than helping the 39-year-old superstar mum.

So what does all this have to do with you?

Well, you’re acting like Britney’s father … only worse.

I mean, at least he went to court and got an approved order … you’re doing this under your own steam.

Chris, let me be very clear: IT’S NOT YOUR MONEY.

It’s your siblings’ money and, heartbreaking as it is, if they want to blow it on drugs then that’s their business. As an executor you are the servant, not the boss, and you are duty-bound to inform the beneficiaries, and then distribute the money as per the deceased’s wishes.

Now I know you’re a caring brother and you only have your siblings’ best interests at heart.

So you should urge them to see specialist drug counsellors. They can talk through the very serious issue of the money fuelling their drug addiction, and the compounded pain and shame of blowing their inheritance. They may decide to hand over financial power of attorney to you (or someone else they trust). They may not. Either way, it’s their life, and their decision.

If you feel that they are vulnerable and lack the ability to look after their money you can seek an administration order in your State. It’s a legal document that gives a person (called an ‘administrator’) power to make decisions on behalf of another person about financial affairs. This includes money, property and some legal matters. But it is a big responsibility. And it may be opposed.

#FreeBritney.

Scott.