My Husband Ran Off with a Younger Woman

Dear Scott,

Well, I never thought I would be writing this but … a month ago my husband of 21 years fessed up to wanting to run off with a girl 25 years younger who he met only a week before. Ouch! Fortunately, I have been Barefooting for the last few years and have paid off all debts (apart from the mortgage), and I have put $6,000 extra into the mortgage and saved $5,000 in Mojo.

It is probably not enough to get me through the financial mess of separating our finances, including the family home and a used-to-be jointly run business. But, despite the dent to the ego, I realise that if I am clever enough to have come this far, I will be okay. My question now is, how do I pay off my house after giving him his share?Thanks,

Kirsten

Hi Kirsten,

You sound like the dream person to get divorced from — if I did that to my wife, I’d literally be in fear of my life.

Without knowing your particulars, let me tell you the number one financial mistake that I see most women make when they divorce: they keep the family home.

Do you still need a big family home? Can you afford it on one wage? And, even if you answered yes to both of these questions, do you want to live in a home with all that emotional baggage?

If you can sell it as part of the settlement and come out with cash in your pocket, that would give you less stress and more freedom — and that’s exactly what you deserve. New Year, New You. You Got This!

Scott

Daddy’s Girl

Dear Barefoot,

My father monitors my money from afar and, as a 25-year-old woman, I feel I am being treated like a child. He thinks my partner and I are financially illiterate, and disagrees with us having joint bank accounts (he and Mum keep their money separate). He does not have my account passwords, but he does ask for updates on my money, and has forceful discussions with me about my budget — talk about pressure! Reading your book, I want to take control of my money, but I know this will be very hard for Dad. How do I tread my own path?

Jessica

Hi Jessica,

Your old man just wants the best for you, but he’s got boundary issues.

You’ve probably worked this out by now, but forceful conversations about money are rarely about money — they’re usually about control — and it sounds like your father wants to control you just like he did when you were a kid.

Of course you’re now an adult, living with your partner, and your financial situation has nothing to do with your dad.

My suggestion would be to give him a copy of my book for Christmas. This will show him you’ve got your head in the right space financially. Then explain to him that if you ever need any further advice he’ll be the first person you ask.

Scott

Help! My Wife’s a Ball-Breaker

Hey Scott,

My wife and I are currently following your teachings. However, we have come unstuck on overtime payments and additional income. I am working a second job, and doing overtime in my main job, to increase the amount of ‘fun money’ I have. But the wife says these extra funds should just be put on the home loan and I should not have access to them. I have searched but cannot find what you say to do with overtime and additional income. Can you please enlighten us?

Corey

Hey Corey,

You should check the index of my book — under ‘B’ for ‘ball-breaker’.

(Only joking.)

Then again, she could be right. If your mortgage is eating up more than, say, 40% of your income, I’d definitely side with her — it’s time to put in the overtime and pay that sucker down.

But if it’s under control, I’m on your side. You have every right to a bit of ‘fun money’.

The reason I lay out the Barefoot Steps is to get people to focus on the big moves that will get them to financial security. However, some people get a little overzealous, and get so focused on reaching the end that they forget about stopping to smell the … Bintang in Bali.

Bottom line: money in marriage is a team sport, so you should both have a say on how you spend your money.

Scott

My Mother-in-Law is a Sponge

Scott,

My soon-to-be mother-in-law is bad with money. She has over $100,000 in credit card debt, as well as a couple of 60-month interest-free loans that were never paid and are now charging 29.99% interest. My fiancé (we are both 25) is considering getting a loan in his name to ‘help’ her, but I believe she will just go back to her old ways. I worry about this debt when it comes to us buying our first home or if she does not pay for the loan. Over the past two months we have already paid $5,000 for her bills. Help me!

Gillian

Hi Gillian,

There’s no such thing as one Smartie.

That’s the lesson I’ve learned from my two-year-old: I give him a Smartie, knowing full well that it sets me up for a full-blown tanty if I won’t give him a second one.

After paying $5,000 of his mum’s bills, that’s the situation your fiancé is facing (and it sounds like your mother-in-law is behaving like a toddler -- not so smartie).

Bottom line?

Your mother-in-law is financially crazy. And you’re absolutely within your rights not to invite crazy into your life -- and you sure as hell don’t need to be guilted into funding her stupidity.

However, that’s a harsh message to deliver to your fiancé.So here’s what I’d do instead:

Explain to your fiancé that your mother-in-law needs love, kindness and understanding. She needs expert guidance. She needs a financial hero who can help her … in fact, she needs James Bond! Or, more accurately, she needs to call the not-for-profit Financial Counselling Australia hotline on 1800 007 007.

However, if she’s stamping her foot, quivering her lip and demanding another Smartie, you may need to book an appointment on her behalf. You should even offer to go with her -- that’s what a loving daughter-in-law would do. The financial counsellors are the best people to help her face up to the reality of the decisions she’s made, and provide solutions for her path forward.

Now repeat after me: no more Smarties!

Scott

Romantic Comedy or Horror Movie?

Hi Scott,My partner comes from a wealthy family. We are engaged, are having a baby, and have joint finances. Four years ago he was briefly engaged to someone else and he bought a house with a $50,000 inheritance from his grandfather. At the time, he and his parents agreed to a caveat to protect his asset from her. Wise move, and it worked. Fast forward to now, and I have been jointly paying for this same mortgage for a long time, on my wage of $110,000 a year. We want the caveat removed; they don’t. Advice?

Tess

Hi Tess,This sounds like the plot of a made-for-TV romcom. You meet the man of your dreams, but his meddling parents don’t approve of you!While I’m only getting your side of things, here’s what I’m reading:One: it was originally your fiancé’s inheritance, so it’s his money, not his parents’ money.Two: you’re now helping pay off the mortgage, so your name should be jointly on the title, if it’s not already. What’s more, if you can get the caveat lifted, you may find that you can get a cheaper deal on your mortgage.Three: the difference between you and his last squeeze is that you’re pregnant with his child -- their grandchild.In other words? Dude’s on the hook for 18 years, as Kanye would say.Besides, in the grand scheme of things, $50,000 isn’t a huge amount of money -- it’s more about the principle of your in-laws treating you like a fly-by-night floozy who’ll one day shake down their son.My advice? Just like in all good romcoms, your fiancé needs to stop being a mummy’s boy, stand up to his parents, and defend your honour!Thank-you for reading,

Scott

My $297,641.32 … errr, investment?

The first time, my wife flung her arms around me and, through tears of sheer joy, whispered “we’re pregnant”.

The second time, she raced up behind me and squealed with delight.

The third time, she pushed open the bathroom door, locked her eyes on me, and pitched the plastic preggo stick square at my noggin. (To be fair to her, it was a Friday night and I’d just got home from the pub … so I wasn’t exactly on my A-game.)

That was twenty-two weeks ago.

For the record, we’re over the moon to be having a new baby … it’s just that Liz was wanting a few months before going back into the ‘baby bubble’. (Fun fact: at our pre-marriage counselling session, Liz put down that she wanted three kids … I put down six. Time will tell who wins.)

Here’s one thing I do know: unlike buying a slab of beer, it doesn’t get cheaper the more kids you have. According to a study by Suncorp, the average Australian parent spends $297,600 raising a child to age 17.

Hang on — $297,600? That’s a very specific number. Maybe Simon from Suncorp followed Junior around with a Casio every day of his life. And then on his 17th birthday Simon hit ‘equals’ and triumphantly announces, “You cost me $297,641.32! But hey, I’m your dad, so let’s round it down to $297,600.”

Either way, it’s a huge number.

Worse, Suncorp’s research suggests it costs $984 per month for the first two years of your child’s life. That’s a huge whack of dough for any young family, let alone for those of us who want six kids (no wonder Liz threw the stick at me!).

So in celebration of our currently baking baby, this week I’m answering questions from new parents and parents-to-be.

Tread Your Own Path!

Burning Through the Bucks, Baby

Dear Barefoot,

I am 35 and engaged to the most generous guy, who I love. But we have spent $31,000 in two months! We earn $330,000 p.a. combined and have equity of $850,000 in our two properties, which we will sell next year so we can get a nice home with a small mortgage. Recently I did an audit and found we had spent $31,000 on … nothing! Meals out, weekends away, events at home, clothes, bond, removalists, some double rent for a period. I want to be debt-free in five years. Kick us up the pants!

Amanda

Hi Amanda,

Honestly, on your income you probably don’t need a kick up the pants -- you’re going to be fine ...… so long as you continue earning $330,000 a year. But if the money dries up, things can go into reverse pretty quickly.

It’s a three-step trap that I’ve seen plenty of high-income earners -- doctors, lawyers, footballers -- fall into:

First, buy expensive toys (boats, cars, and cash-draining McMansions).

Second, spend like a Kardashian -- and only invest in money-losing ventures that ‘lower my tax!’.

Third, get hit with one of the big D’s: divorce, disease, disability … or a downturn where you lose your income.

It’s more common than you’d think: recent research from Digital Finance Analytics (DFA) found that 30,000 households living in wealthy suburbs like Sydney’s Vaucluse (median price $4.5 million) and Melbourne’s Brighton (median price $2.6 million) are at risk of defaulting on their debts.

Truth is, wealth isn’t what you earn, it’s what you save.You want to impress me?

Don’t humblebrag about the $31,000 you’ve peed into your Prada handbag over the past couple of months.

As financial philosopher Shania Twain says, “That don’t impress me much”.

Instead, buy a house you can afford, pay it off, then show me your plan for how you will eventually replace some of your income through passive income, i.e. your investments.

Thank-you for reading.

Scott

It’s 2am and I Can’t Sleep

Hello Barefoot,

I am typing this at 2am -- I cannot sleep. My husband and I have a household income of $200,000 and have three small kids -- but we never see them, as we work in the city and live 60 kilometres away. The three-hour daily commute is taking its toll on us all. The house is great, and affordable, but a long way from work. Yet moving to a house big enough for all five of us that is close to the city would put us into mortgage stress. We are stuck -- what do we do?

Jenny

Hi Jenny,

Do you want the money or the box?

On one hand, a study from a university in Sweden found that relationships where one partner commutes longer than 45 minutes are 40 per cent more likely to end in divorce.

On the other, Deakin University Emeritus Professor Robert Cummins and his team have found that financial insecurity (read: mortgage stress) produces similar feelings to that of physical torture.

And you’re stuck in the middle!

Or are you? You see, it may not feel like it -- especially at 2am -- but you do have choices.

You can choose to ditch your commute and seek out jobs closer to home -- even though they’re likely to pay less. (Perhaps one of you could try this option while the other continues to commute.)

Or you can choose to spend less, and spend more time with your young kids. This is what I’d work to if I were you.

Besides, the proof is in the pudding: the Australian Wellbeing Index has repeatedly shown that people living in regional Australia (Woop Woop!) are among the happiest people in the country.

Happy travels.

Scott

My Partner’s Secret Debt

Hi Scott,

I have read your book and love it. Using your formula I have already paid off a long-term debt. Unfortunately, my partner and I have separate finances (her choice) and I recently found out that, in the time I paid off my debt, she racked up another for twice as much. Frustrating! We both earn OK incomes (combined $200,000), but are still renting at age 37. As we have three kids, I really want to get into our own home in the next four years … how do I convince her?

Jake

Hi Jake,

Uh-oh.

So you two have made the ultimate commitment -- three puppies -- and yet she’s still keeping you in the kennel when it comes to sharing her bank account with you?

As Dr. Phil would say: “Hmmm”.

And now you want me to tell you how to convince her?

Honestly?

I only have one party trick. I wrote about it in my book. It’s called a monthly Barefoot Date Night.

And I can tell you that, over 450,000 copies later, it works unbelievably well. Not only will it get you on the same (financial) serviette, but you two will be stronger and happier when you’re working towards a shared financial goal -- especially when it’s something as amazing as buying your own family castle.

That’s how I’d sell it to her anyway (and then I’d bribe her with great food and wine).

And if that doesn’t work?

Well, maybe it’s time to stop talking and start watching: after all, money talks and bulldust walks.

I’ve learned that if you want to know what someone values, look at what they’re spending their dough on.

So the question is, Jake, what’s your partner spending her dough on?

Scott

When Dad Is a Mum

Dear Scott,

We are two mothers -- a couple wanting to have a baby. We finished reading your book a couple of weeks ago and have started implementing the strategy. The trouble is, I have never wanted to have kids until I had enough money, but my partner wants them as soon as possible. And I admit the biological clock is ticking. We both work but have next to no money. I thought you may be interested in a same-sex couple. We too have financial troubles ... it is not easy, that’s for sure.

Annie

Hi Annie,

On one hand, you wouldn’t be the first broke parents to decide to have a kid.On the other hand ... what the bloody hell are you thinking?

Look, I don’t care if you’re gay, straight or polygamous -- you need to take responsibility for your financial situation before you can take on the ultimate financial responsibility of having a child. You’ve read the book, so you’ve got your road map -- now it’s time for wine, garlic bread … and action.

Scott

How Does Getting Married Affect My Tax?

Hi Scott

We are getting married in June 2018. Planning ahead, I’d like to know what tax implications there are after we get hitched. We are both 27, I earn $64,000 p.a. and he earns $74,000 p.a. We currently keep our finances separate and plan to do so until the marriage (though we have joint savings for the wedding, which will be spent!).

Kelly

Hi Kelly

Congratulations. You are the first bride-to-be to ever put ‘tax planning’ on their to-do list.

Bridesmaids’ dresses? Check. Flowers? Check. Tax implications of nuptials? … Email the Barefoot Investor.

Then again, you’re talking to a guy who times his Barefoot Date Nights to coincide with the monthly Reserve Bank meeting.

HOT!

Okay, so the big change is an administrative one: once you’re married, you’ll need to record on your tax return that you have a spouse, and include his taxable income. (And your spouse will have to do the same on his tax return.)

Why?

Well, it’s part of a reality show the ATO is pitching as a rival to The Bachelor (“You told me you earned $200k!!”)

Okay, so that’s not true. In reality, the ATO needs your spouse’s income to work out if they can slug you with extra tax (couples without private health insurance that earn over $180k combined will be hit with a 1% Medicare Levy Surcharge, rising to 1.5% for couples earning over $280,000), and also to work out any family tax benefits.

(Interesting factoid: even though our pollies are spending $122 million on a postal vote to decide on same-sex marriage, the bean-counters at the ATO are much more liberal: they define a spouse as being either a registered partner or a de facto, so you may be doing this already.)

There are a few other implications:The Good: you can split your (non-salary) income with your spouse, so always invest in the lower-earning spouse’s name.

The Bad: if you both own a home, you have to choose (or apportion) which one gets the capital gains tax (CGT) exemption. Talk to your accountant to crunch the numbers if you’re in this situation.

The Ugly: watch Seven Year Switch on Channel 7.

Congratulations!

Scott

I Need $372,255 ASAP

Hi Scott,

How do I come up with $372,255 ASAP? I am 43 and going through a divorce and property settlement. My ex-husband has offered the house and 20 acres to me if I can come up with the money. But I am a low-income earner with no assets (other than my two gorgeous children) and no substantial savings. I am thinking I need to either go to the bank for a whopping loan or find some investors, and I am planning on subdividing 2 x 5 acres to pay them. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am out of my depth.

Claire

Hi Claire,

Don’t take on the house.

You can’t afford it, and, in the unlikely event you raise the dough, you’ll end up working round the clock and stressed out about your debts.That’s not fair on your kids. They need you right now -- they need all your focus and energy to help them through this really difficult time. So give it to them, and not to a pile of bricks, your husband, or your bank manager. The house doesn’t matter; instead focus on the dining room table you sit around each night as you talk with your kids, wherever that may be.

Scott

Can I Buy a Corvette?

Hi Scott,

I am 31 and earn $120,000; my wife earns $90,000. We have a $750,000 mortgage on a house worth $1 million, $10,000 in index shares, and $20,000 in Mojo. Can I buy a $40,000 1970 Corvette Stingray? Or is that totally irresponsible? I would save up and pay cash for it, I promise!

Rob

Hi Rob,

Years ago my wife got a bloke in to measure up some curtains.

As he was up on his ladder, she asked him, “Will this fabric give full block-out?”

He looked at her, then turned to me -- the man -- and gave the answer. (“Well, mate, you have to understand that total block-out is not …”)

This little game played out for the next five minutes -- my wife getting increasingly testy, me trying to play sexist charades with the curtains guy (raising my eyebrows and nodding to my wife) ... and the curtains guy being totally oblivious as to who really wore the pants (and the curtains) in our household.

Bottom line?

The curtains bloke didn’t get the job … and it looks like it’s curtains for your Corvette. Now that’s got nothing to do with whether you can afford it, and everything to do with the fact that you’re writing to me about it, rather than discussing it with your wife on a Barefoot Date Night.

Scott

My Husband Is My Banker

Hi Scott,

I am a 31-year-old stay-at-home mum of two kids. My hubby has a new job (paying $130,000 p.a.) and has arranged for payroll to pay the money into his account each fortnight. Once paid he direct-debits money into my account to pay all bills for the fortnight. He also has a (maxed out) credit card on his online banking which he adds to. He works long hours and deserves some spending money, but I honestly do not know how much he spends each fortnight! Please help me address this issue without ruining us.

Eliza

Hi Eliza,

This is going to sound like a blatant plug (because it is), but the easiest way to address this issue is to get a copy of my book. The book is set around Barefoot Date Nights, where the two of you sort out your finances as a team (with a wine in your hand). The book explains why married couples should share the same account. If he baulks at the idea, well, he has the rest of the dinner to explain why he doesn’t trust you enough to share money with you. Good luck!

Scott

Should I Dob in My Brother to the Cops?

Dear Scott,

For the last year or so, my younger brother has been doing some online share trading. Long story short, he has lost it all -- hundreds of thousands of dollars. In the process he has nicked money from some of my family members, which has wiped out their savings. He even took a loan out in the name of a family member without them knowing! Given he is family, is it better to keep this amongst ourselves or to involve outside parties?

Hamish

Hi Hamish!

‘Nicking money’ is like $20 from your mum’s purse. You’re talking about wiping out their life savings!

That’s not nicking, that’s fraud. And the fact that your mother used to change his nappy doesn’t change the fact that he’s committed a crime.

It sounds like he’s an addicted gambler, yet rather than sitting in front of a pokie screen he sits in front of a trading screen. It’s the same thing (and has basically the same odds).

What would I do if I were in your shoes?

Well, I’d tell your brother that he needs to do three things: first, he needs to get legal advice (and so should your family, even if no charges are ever laid. It will bring home the gravity of what he’s done). Second, he should get professional help for his addiction. Third, when he’s sorted out, he needs to start repaying the family debts by getting a job and earning some real income.

If he doesn’t do these things, I’d consider handing the matter over to the authorities.

Good luck.

Scott

My Husband Sold My Home From Under Me

Scott,

My husband sold our family home without my knowledge ... Yes ... S.O.L.D. I.T! To give you some background, I am 36 years old and work in childcare, earning $45,000 a year. He and I separated some months ago -- it was a slow decline but the time had come. A few weeks ago he asked me if we could reconcile our marriage, and I said I was not sure. He replied with, “Well, I’m done and I have someone coming to buy the house”. He then completed the sale with a 30-day settlement. He is telling me I will get nothing. What can I do?

Rita

Hi Rita,

He’s not taking the separation well, is he?

Understand that he’s not basing his argument on sound legal opinion, but on lashing out irrationally after being rejected.

The first thing you should do is consult a family lawyer -- immediately -- and explain what’s happened. If your property was in joint names, he can’t just sell it from under you!

The second thing you should do is move on. As part of the divorce there will be a division of assets, including proceeds from the sale of the house, and it will also take into account any custody and child support arrangements. Onwards!

Scott

The Day I Got Pregnant ...

Hi Scott,

My partner and I married in April 2016. A month later it came out that he had massive debts from online spending. He had lied to me for the last 10 years. We had counselling, and he proceeded to pay off everything except a BIG debt of $40,000 (he runs his own business and earns $150,000 a year). Money is still a major issue, though he says paying off the debt is priority number one. Now, unexpectedly, I am pregnant, with around $10,000 in savings. Yet the day I confirmed my pregnancy with the GP, he bought an $800 briefcase. I am terrified -- what can I do?

Vickie

Hi Vickie,

If he’s earning $150k in his own business, he’s obviously no dill -- he’s just depressed. His spending is a symptom of that depression. However, by deciding to have a family with him, his out-of-control spending is now your problem too.

So if I were in your situation, I’d sit down and call him out on his bulldust: he’s got a problem, and he needs to deal with it:

First, by getting help from a professional (call Beyond Blue).

Second, by working with you. From now on you share the one joint bank account, you have an equal vote on where the family money goes, and you have a regular monthly Barefoot Date Night where you plot and plan and scheme about all the things you’re going to do to secure your family’s future.

Let him know you believe that he has it in him. Then hold him to it.

Scott

Money Ménage à Trois

Hi Barefoot,

Last year I bought a 50 per cent share in a rural property with a married couple (who I was in a polyamorous relationship with). We then embarked on a 12-month-long complete home renovation. Sharing finances with them was very hard to get used to. Now we have split up I do not know whether I should stay invested in this property or push for them (or another party) to buy me out. Please help!

Brendan

Hey Brendan,

When I was at uni, I once shared a house with a couple. But there was no poly-anything going on. (Actually, who I am my kidding … my university days were Han Solo.) Whenever they were fighting they’d both bitch to me about each other. And then when they made up, they’d gang up on me. It was terrible … but hey, I was only renting. You are joint owners in a property, tenants-in-common … and if the relationship is over, so is the house. Either have them buy you out (after getting two written valuations), or sell the house and go your separate ways.

Scott

How to ruin your financial life

He didn’t even introduce himself.

An old bloke just walked straight up to me, poked his knobbly old index finger into my ribs, leaned in, and said:

“They don’t listen to you, do they!”

“Huh?” I replied, cowering like a schoolboy (I was at a function, and I didn’t know this old codger.)

“I’ve been reading your questions in the newspaper for years … and they don’t listen to your advice!”

He did have a point. Maybe my message just isn’t getting through. After all, each week I try and give people honest, commonsense advice to help them out.

Fat load of good that does!

So this week let’s try something different — a bit of reverse psychology.

If people don’t respond to good advice, maybe they’ll listen to some bad advice?

So in honour of the old bloke, let me give you half a dozen ways to totally screw up your financial life.

How to Lose Your Shirt in the Share Market

Buy shares based on the tips of your brother-in-law (a 43-year-old IT helpdesk employee who ‘dabbles’ in shares, porn, and sporting memorabilia).

Yet what if you are not lucky enough to have a brother-in-law who has outspoken views on things he knows very little about?

Easy.

Just read scary newspaper headlines: “Sell Everything!”, “Prepare for a Cataclysmic Year!”

(The Royal Bank of Scotland made these headlines in January 2016. Since then the US stock market has jumped 35 per cent, while our market is up around 18 per cent … not including dividends.)

And after you’ve bought some shares, make sure you watch them right throughout the day.

Do not take your eyes off them for a second.

The minute the shares go up, buy more. The minute they go down, sell.

Okay, so now let’s focus on losing money in something you are an expert in: property.

You’ve been living in a house your entire life … right? How hard can it be?

Let’s roll.

You: Property Mogul

If you buy an investment property, don’t buy a good-quality family home from your local real estate agent.

What do those losers know?

Instead, go to a wealth-creation seminar, preferably hosted at a suburban Holiday Inn conference room.

You want a tanned fellow from the Gold Coast who’ll teach you the ‘secrets’ the rich have been keeping from Domino’s-Pizza-munching plebs like you.

Ideally, you’d like a complicated strategy that involves you purchasing ten properties in ten years and will have you retired at 40 and living off $229,345 a year!

Go ahead and buy a property from the spruiker using ‘OPM’ (Other People’s Money), interest only (remember, the more debt you have, the wealthier you are). Location? Preferably South-East Queensland, though what matters most is that the property you buy at the seminar is located somewhere far, far away. While you’re at it, use their legal representatives and mortgage broking ‘team’. It’s so much easier than worrying about all those annoying details yourself.

Yet the real money is made (and lost) in business.

You’ve read Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal, and look where he ended up.

Okay, so he did get a multi-million dollar loan from his father, but screw it — let’s do it!

How to Go Broke in Business Without Even Trying

Start a business you have no experience in, preferably in partnership with your ex-boyfriend … preferably funded with credit card debt.

Focus on ‘brand positioning’ (business cards, a fancy office, an agency-designed website) before you even think of finding any customers. If your product is as good as your friends on Facebook think it is (38 ‘likes’ — you GO girl!), customers will beat a path to your door.

And what if you can’t think of an idea for a business?

Easy. Just buy a franchise, like Pie Face, or 7-Eleven.

They always work out well.

Harness The Secret

Money can be attracted through your mind.

(Picture me rubbing my temples as I write this).

Let’s be clear: God wants you to be rich.

The 800 million people in sub-saharan Africa? … not so much.

But you? … Sure.

Now, one way to awaken the spiritual money muse is to always keep $2,000 worth of cash ($5 notes) in your wallet. It’s a sure-fire psychic signal to the universe that you are bathed in abundance.

And it works! Every time you open your wallet you’ll see your riches … and so will the sketchy dude waiting behind you at the Taco Truck on King Street.

Now repeat the affirmation: “please, take my money, just don’t hurt me”.

How to Find the Wrong Financial Advisor

Once you’ve got a bit of dough … you need to share it with someone. So it’s time to find the most expensive financial planner you can find.

Judge them on (a) their car, (b) their office, (c) their pinky ring.

Let them know you’re a player.

Explain that you want the most expensive super fund they have. Your retirement is no time to be a tightarse.

And when they explain it to you in terms you don’t understand – nod like an idiot.

And make sure you invest in things you don’t understand.

And if someone cold-calls you about an investment opportunity, under no circumstances should you Google them.

Who cares what other people’s experiences have been?

Let’s be honest, the interwebs is just full of freaks that like cats anyway. If you are tempted to go near Google, the only keywords you should use are: “get rich”, “lifestyle design”, “Barnaby Joyce”, and “Multiple Streams of Income”.

Let’s be honest though, the real reason to get rich is so you can exert control over your family, right?

Well, I’ve saved the best to last.

How to Ruin Your Relationships

If you’re dating, don’t talk to your partner about their financial situation, or their views on spending and saving.

Didn’t your mother teach you anything?

It’s rude to talk about money — and unless you’re loaded it’s not going to help you in the sack anyway.

Split everything down the middle except for: your secret shopping money, your secret mistress money, and your secret betting money. Oh and keep a little set aside that your partner doesn’t know about, just in case you have to run. Because you will, eventually. And divorce will be the final crowning achievement of your financial life.

So there it is: six simple ways to completely screw your financial life.

Are you listening? Don’t make me have to poke you in the ribs.

Tread Your Own Path!

Hedging Against My Shaky Marriage

Hi Scott,

We have $300,000 in the bank, and owe $42,000 on our mortgage. We have two kids (ages 6 and 7), but our marriage is shaky. If it fails, I want to keep the family home with my husband, and I would move, then we would split time with the kids equally. We are considering buying a block one minute’s walk from the family home, and building there. If our marriage works out, the home would be an investment. If not, it would be my home, because being close would be important for me. I am worried that if we do not buy now, we might not be able to afford to do so later if we do need two homes. What do you think?

Sally

Hi Sally,

Now I could be wrong, but here’s my theory on what’s prompted this: your marriage was already on the rocks, but you’ve inherited $300k. How else do you get to have $300k in the bank and $42k still owing on your mortgage? That makes about as much sense as your plan: your marriage is shaky … but you’re contemplating building a brand new house together?

This is a terrible idea. (If my editor allowed me to write in all caps I would, but he doesn’t, so I’ll stick with the italics, but just know that my left eye is twitching uncontrollably at the moment). After all, if you actually separate -- and I think you already know you’re going to -- who’s to say he’ll follow the plan? My advice is to sort your relationship out first -- before you commit to this big, messy purchase. The best investment you could make right now is relationship counselling.

Scott