How I invest my own money

On Sunday night, after the kids were fast asleep (for the third time), I lay in bed and opened my calendar to check what I had on for the week ahead. And up popped my favourite ‘event’:
 
“Check your dividends, Big Boy!”
 
"OH YEAH!" I exclaimed, loud enough to startle my sleeping wife.
 
She squinted at me: “what is it?!”
 
“It’s dividend week!” I told her wide eyed.
 
“You’re … a weirdo,” she sighed, and rolled back over to sleep.
 
One hundred percent, though she knew that when she married me. Yet, I thought you might find it interesting to hear how I invest my money.
 
Let’s get into it.
 
These days I have roughly 95% of my net worth in a handful of low-cost exchange traded funds (ETFs).
 
Which ones?
 
An Aussie shares index fund, and a couple of international shares index funds.
 
That’s it.
 
While I’m classified as a ‘sophisticated investor’ I believe in my bones that keeping things simple is the ultimate high net worth strategy – and one which will deliver higher returns than the vast majority of professional fund managers. Even better, it means I spend as little as four hours a year managing my investments.
 
How?
 
Well, to start off, I don’t have a trading app on my phone.
 
Why not?
 
For much the same reason that I don’t have social media apps on my phone: when I’m on the throne, the only thing I want to be scrolling is toilet paper, not TikTok.
 
I don’t want to check my share prices every day, or even every week. It’s a trap that leads to stress, and overtrading, and ultimately, to flushing your returns down the toilet.
 
Here’s what I do instead:
 
I have all my investments on autopilot, automatically buying a set dollar amount of the above funds each month. (It used to be expensive to do this, but today you can trade for a few bucks, or in some cases for free.) 
 
When you buy, you can google their historical payout dates and put them in your calendar, like I do. And that means I check my share prices just four times a year … like this week when my dividends come through. That way you can do something more productive with your time … even scrolling TikTok on the tot! 
 
Tread Your Own Path!

Barefoot OnlyFans?

Hi Scott,
 
I’d like to learn to do forex cash trading as a side hustle to supplement my income (so eventually I might be able to move to part-time work and have more time to spend with my daughter, who’s eight and was diagnosed with anxiety last year). Can you recommend any online trader training and trading access platforms? I’ve started searching for options but am bamboozled by the plethora of trader-training companies out there. And it bothers me that some of them take ongoing commissions and monthly fees as well as significant training charges ($5,000 to start with!), not to mention all the hard-sell emails and phone calls I’m now receiving! Any advice would be much appreciated.
 
Linda
 
Hi Linda,

You dabbling in forex is like me joining OnlyFans as a side hustle.
 
No one is going to pay to see me wobble my dad-bod around the farm. After all, I’m competing against very good-looking people (who also know how to milk a cow).
 
Just like you will be competing against billion-dollar hedge funds and the biggest financial institutions in the world, both of which not only employ the best traders but spend millions on their AI trading algorithms.
 
My thoughts?
 
You will lose, and with fast-trading forex the odds are that you’ll get wiped out quickly. Stay away from the gurus cold-calling you – they’re all bad news.

Scott.

Did You See That Post on Facebook?

Hi Scott

With all the rumblings in the news and socials about the world economy collapsing, we are a bit worried about our super and savings – we are getting a bit long in the tooth and are ready to retire in 18 months (we’re in our early 60s). My brother keeps saying we should put our money into silver (he buys silver coins). I just don’t know how I can go down to the shop to buy my bread and milk with silver. Is it a viable investment option? What happens to our super and our savings in the bank if it all tanks? (Apparently they can take it all and leave you with nothing, banks included.)

Mia

Hey Mia,

Let’s break down a couple of keywords in your question.

First up, “socials”.

For God’s sake do not get your news from Facebook … or any financial advice for that matter.

Second, “brother”.

Your bro may be a lovely dude, but if he is advising you to put your super into silver I would suggest he’s been reading too much Facebook himself.

Third, “they” (as in “they can take it all and leave you with nothing”).

Who are “they”? The Government? Bill Gates? Jeffrey Epstein?

That sounds like yet another comment on Facebook.

Look, Facebook’s algorithms have one aim: to keep you staring at your screen (and their ads) for as long as possible. So they are programmed to find emotional, scary, and downright crazy posts and amplify them. The end result is that these posts are served up on you and your brother’s Facebook news feed so many times that it feels like everyone is thinking it.

But they’re not.

Oh, and by the way, do not put all your money into silver. No one is going to take all your money and leave you with nothing. The Australian Government guarantees deposits up to $250,000, and it will not go broke.

Instead, here are two things you can do that will make you happier and wealthier:

First, consider starting to build up a cash buffer within your super fund. You could make extra contributions and direct that into cash so you can ride out any pullbacks in the share market when you retire in 18 months’ time.

Second, delete Facebook. Seriously. Stop trading your precious time and attention just to make a billionaire even richer.

Scott.

We are terrified

Scott,

My husband is retiring this week. We are not sure if we should withdraw his super or leave it in his fund. We would place it in a high interest account if that is the better choice. We are terrified the market is going to keep going down. What should we do?

Linda & Steve

Hi Guys,

It’s been a rough time. I can understand how stressful it must be for you.

First up, you should not panic and take your money out of super. When you are in the retirement pension phase, your income is tax free and protected in the case of bankruptcy. Besides, you can put some of your super into a high interest cash and fixed interest account within your super.

And that’s exactly what you should be considering doing. In my book I suggest people a few years out of retirement to start building up a cash buffer of a few years’ living expenses (minus any pension payments), so that you have enough money to ride out downturns like we’re experiencing.

Many people in your boat are taking on a lot of otherwise ‘hidden’ risk in their super funds because of large unlisted assets, and overly aggressive one-size-fits all portfolios. So you should definitely call your super fund and tell them you’re freaking out about the market, and sit down with one of their financial advisors.

Scott.

Blood on the Floor

Scott,

Thank you for helping me over the last few years. I have managed to both save and pay some large life bills thanks to sticking to your simple plans. However, I just lost a big chunk of my investment money with the current market wobble. I’m optimistic it will be back on par with 3 years, based on what history has shown us, although a little nervous. My question now that push has come to shove, and blood is on the floor, do I keep buying my index funds, or pause?

Thanks,

Ollie

Hi Ollie,

This isn’t blood, it’s a paper cut!

Our market is down by roughly 10% in the past 12-months, which is totally and utterly normal.

The stock market is the only place where prices go on sale … and everyone runs out of the shop!

My suggestion?

The only thing you need to pause is looking at your share prices each day.

Scott.

Retire in Seven Years?

Dear Scott,

I just came across an article in Forbes describing how it would be possible to retire in seven years by investing half your income in closed-end funds (CEFs). What do you think of CEFs? Are they worth investing in?

Tammy

Hi Tammy,

I read the same article, right to the bottom.

Then I clicked on the following ad:

The #1 BEST new trick to rapidly burn belly fat & detox (start this tonight).

Apparently the best new trick is eating avocado, and buying a lot of their expensive pills.

You and I both read the same thing: clickbait.

It’s an American article, but a closed end fund is the equivalent of a Listed Investment Company (LIC), like the Australian Foundation Investment Company (AFIC), or Argo Investments (ARG). They’re perfectly decent investments (that I own!), though they have largely been superseded by simpler Exchange Traded Funds (ETF) index funds.

Retiring in 7 years, or getting a six pack doesn’t require gimmicks, just a lot of hard work.

Scott.

You’re a Puppet, Barefoot

Scott,

I read last week’s column. You’re pushing Vanguard?! Oh you really are an elitist WEF puppet.

Eva

Hello Eva (name unchanged),

Thank you for your comment. I always enjoy the nasty ones that get me Google-ing.

Turns out, ‘WEF’ stands for the World Economic Forum, and the conspiracy theory you seem to be alluding to is known as the ‘Great Reset’, which suggests that a secret group of capitalists and politicians are trying to control the economy.

Now, Eva, I really don’t know if that’s much of a secret — isn’t that just what sociopath billionaires and power-hungry politicians kind of, well, do?

Yet I have to pull you up for putting Vanguard in the same pot. If anything, it’s the exact opposite. Jack Bogle set up Vanguard in the 1970s to stick it to the Wall Street capitalists. He could have become a billionaire but instead chose to put investors first, so he set it up as a not-for-profit. Vanguard created the first index fund and has driven fees down for all investors the world over ever since.

Scott.

My Thoughts on the Kim Kardashian Fund

I am fascinated by Kim Kardashian.

Did you know she started out as a wardrobe stylist for Paris Hilton?

It’s true.

Yet what’s even more impressive is that she basically stole Paris’s playbook:

She was in a porno, got famous … and then parlayed her fame into a business empire.

The success of her clothing business, Skims, and her cosmetics line, KKW Beauty, have turned Kim into a self-made billionaire, worth a staggering $2.6 billion, according to Forbes.

And now Kim is launching … an investment fund.

I feel like a 16-year-old fanboi scrolling on Insta:

OMG! OMG! OMG!

Yet, instead of buying stocks on the share market, Kim’s firm plans to buy private businesses.

These are called ‘private equity’ funds (as opposed to buying shares on the stock exchange).

Here’s the investment pitch:

A promising fashion label gets an offer from Kim to buy their business. Then Kim wears their clothes and posts the pics to her 328 million Instagram followers, creating an instant hit. And a few years after that she’ll flick the company off for a huge profit.

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY, KIM!

Hang on. In reality, that bounty will go to Kim’s booty, and not the investors in her fund.

If history is a guide, her investors will likely earn below average returns because of the high fees funds like hers charge. And it makes sense: there is only one Kim Kardashian, and she doesn’t need your money.

So let’s talk about people who do need your money.

Your super is much more likely run by a bunch of middle-aged men … with 74 people following their LinkedIn profile. Just like Kim, they’re hunting for private deals, though unlike Kim it’s arguable whether they can add any value to their investments. Yet they sure have fun doing it. And they pay themselves really well. But their results are often like Kim’s 2012 song ‘Jam (Turn It Up)’, which is a truly awful piece of autotune.

Case in point, one of the world’s biggest super funds, CALPERS (the California Public Employees’ Retirement System) just took a multibillion-dollar bath on their private equity investments … which proves that even the biggest boys in the finance sandpit don’t always get it right.

And that is why I don’t invest in industry super funds that have private unlisted investments. After all, many have tried and failed to keep up with the Kardashians.

Tread Your Own Path!

I Was on FIRE and Now I Just Want Out!

Hi Scott,

I am 21 and got sucked in by the FIRE movement. I put $50,000 (my life savings!) into diversified high-growth index funds last year when values were reaching historic highs. Now everything's starting to crash, and my parents have been encouraging me to sell my shares and move the funds into a savings account before it drops further (in doing so, I would make a loss of at least $7,000). I had originally invested this money for the long term, with the aim of selling the shares in five to ten years’ time. Do you think my parents have the right idea?

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

No, I do not think your parents have the right idea.

I think your parents love you, and they want to cocoon you from the risks of the big bad world.

(And as a parent myself I totally understand their motivation.)

Now, this is important: the really important life lessons – the ones that shape you – happen when things don’t turn out as you planned.

And, Sarah, you’re having one right now.

The FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) movement involves living frugally in your 20s and 30s and investing up to 70% of your income into low-cost index funds so you can retire in your 40s (or earlier).

For me it’s the financial equivalent of the grapefruit diet. It gets impressive results, but it’s incredibly hard to sustain over the long run. It’s just too hardcore for most young people.

However, its underlying principles – save hard, and invest long term in low-cost index funds – is absolutely, positively the right way for you to go.

With that said, here are three things for you to think about:

First, you say you plan on selling your shares in “five to ten years’ time”. That’s not enough time to benefit from the power of compound interest. Ideally you want to hold your shares throughout your life, reinvesting the dividends along the way.

Second, even though it seems bad, the share market actually isn’t down that much right now. There’s every likelihood that you’ll suffer a 50% drop in the value of your shares at some stage. That’s the price you pay for getting high long-term returns. So shop for shares the same way you do clothes: if you work out prices are down and shares are on sale, get excited and buy more.

Finally, if the reason you’re wanting to sell is to buy a house, DON’T SAVE IN THE SHARE MARKET. Instead park that money in an online saver or term deposit.

Know this: there are millions of people reading these words, wishing they were you: a young intelligent woman at the start of her adult life with a well-stocked share portfolio, and loving parents.

You Got This!

Lost in Space

Hey Scott,

I am a new investor swept up in a crazy world of shares and crypto (and insane house prices). I put $5,000 in the share market using the Spaceship app, and then the market crashed! Now whenever I look at my portfolio I feel queasy and want to pull it all out. Is Spaceship worth the hype, or have I thrown away my savings? And is my gut feeling to pull it out and invest in an ETF right, or should I hold on through this ‘bear market’?

Alison

Hi Alison,

Let’s you and I jump in the DeLorean and go back in time.

This time last year you were probably suffering major FOMO hearing your friends boasting about how much fast money they were making betting on Dogecoin, hot stocks and NFT-ape jpegs.

So you looked at all the investing apps and chose the one that had delivered the highest short-term returns, Spaceship. The reason it shot the lights out was because it was investing in red-hot growth stocks that investors seemingly couldn’t get enough of.

And then … investors changed their minds, sending growth stocks deep into the red. This year Apple is down 18%, as is Amazon (-35%), Tesla (-40%), Facebook’s Meta (-53%), and Netflix (-70%).

This explains why Spaceship’s flagship portfolio is down 35%.

Yet what you want to know is: where does it go next?

Honestly, I have no idea. I totally suck at market forecasts (as does every other human). And that’s why I don’t forecast. Instead, I invest in index funds that own shares in business across a range of industries. They really are set-and-forget investments, and when you combine them with low fees on many of these apps they’re great.

Scott.

I’M FREAKING OUT!

Hi Scott,

I’m sitting here watching my portfolio plummet. The stock market is down 4.75%, and my portfolio is down 5%. IN ONE DAY. I have only been investing for a couple of years and I am freaking out. What should I do?

Louise

Hi Louise

I feel your pain.

Now, as Warren Buffett would say … actually bugger that! All the Mr B quotes in the world can’t prepare you for your first drop in the market.

Here’s how I deal with it.

First, I don’t invest any money in the share market that I think I’ll need in the next five years.

Yes, the interest rate I’m getting sucks, but not as much as seeing the money I need evaporate in a sell off, right when I need to spend it. If you put short-term money in stocks or (god help you) crypto, you really need some time in the contemplation corner.

Second, I have come to think of my share portfolio like my farm. It’s there to provide me with a golden harvest of dividends over my lifetime. Some years there will be bumper crops, other times there will be droughts. That’s just how the world works. Yet over the long term, owning the farm makes sense (especially when I don’t have to drive a tractor to get the income!).

Finally, how do I react to savage sell offs like we had last Monday?

Well, I don’t. I feel the same way about shares falling as I do reading a newspaper headline that says ‘farm prices are down 5%’. Sure, it’s a bummer, but what can I do about it?

Call up a real estate agent and sell?

They’d be very happy to claim the commission, but would I be any better off?

Of course not!

I’m now invested in broad based, low cost index funds, and my golden rule is this: ‘never sell the farm’.

And so if I never plan on selling, what do I care about the price?

Scott.

The Hyperfund

Scott,

Some colleagues at my work are retiring quickly in their thirties and forties after investing money into Hyperverse. They are trying to sign everyone up to it and they are earning anywhere from $150 to $1,500 a day just in the Hyperverse that was originally called the HyperFund. Any help would be muchly appreciated.

Belinda

---

Hi Belinda,

It’s all pretty exciting.

While you’re eating the cake from your co-worker Darren’s retirement send-off, here’s what I’d like you to do:

First, head back to your cubicle.

Then, google “Hyperverse + Hyperfund + Scam”.

Click on the first reputable link, from the Australian Financial Review, entitled: “Collapse of crypto platform a cautionary tale”.

Scan the first paragraph: “Around 200 investors are understood to have lost as much as $10 million in this little corner of the investment world’s Wild West.”

Hmmm, the article talks about the previous business of the Hyperfund founders.

Have another click, this time to an article in the West Australian which talks about their new venture: “The promoters of Hyperfund have created a multi-level marketing scheme that promises big returns … the pitch to investors includes incentives to sign up more people so they can prepare their network for a $300 billion stock market float.”

Holy crypto, Belinda!

On those numbers the Hyperfund could be worth more than BHP and Telstra combined!

My view?

Avoid the hype. If you’re going to get into multi-level marketing, why not just try flogging Amway? That way at least your friends will have bought some laxatives off you, which could help them when the bottom falls out of this investment.

Scott.

What’s Wrong with My Index Fund?

Hi Barefoot,

I followed all the advice in your book – cleared everything, saved up, paid off my mortgage and invested a lump in a low-cost index fund. And since August 2021 it has gone backwards and I’ve lost $4,000. They are down 2.96%. Is it just my fund or are they all doing badly?

Gutted of Oakleigh

---

Hello Gutted of Oakleigh,

Buying an index fund isn’t as simple as grabbing a box of Rice Bubbles.

Let’s think about what’s happened in the last six months since you made your investment:

We’ve had runaway inflation in the US, and in most parts of the world.

We’ve had the threat of rising interest rates in a world awash with debt.

We’ve had the Chinese property market imploding.

We’re still dealing with the pandemic (China is still locking down millions of people).

We’ve had commodity prices surging, and food prices at record highs.

We’ve had ‘once-in-a-century’ floods in NSW and Queensland.

Oh, and then we had the war in Ukraine.

All things considered, I think you’re doing pretty well! I’d suggest you learn to take a longer-term view.

It’s not all snap, crackle and pop, my friend!

Scott.

The luckiest guy around

Today I want to talk to you about a hero of mine.

His name is Steve Edmunson and he’s a famous American fund manager.

He manages the $82 billion Nevada Public Employees Retirement System Fund, which has been in the top 10% of large US super funds over one, three, five, seven and 10 years.

Steve has a unique investing strategy that has allowed him to single-handedly outperform most of the biggest fund managers in the world, who employ an army of analysts.

And today I’m going to share with you his secret.

That’s because last week, on a whim, I googled his funds’ generic help email address and lamely asked if there was a chance I could interview him.

A few hours later I received the following reply:

“Hi Scott,

My calendar is pretty open this week and next. Let me know if you have some times that work

Steve”

No gatekeepers. No personal assistants. Just a dude managing $82 billion with an open calendar.

So I sat down to interview him. My first question was, “What’s your edge?”

“Well, I don’t do a lot”, he deadpans.

He’s not joking.

There are days, months and even years where Steve basically sits on his hands and does nothing.

No frantic buying or selling. Just sitting and holding.

“I think in the world of investing the spotlight goes to the latest hot new strategy, but there isn’t much emphasis on what you don’t do. And if you’ve got a long-term horizon, like we do, the best thing to do … is usually nothing.”

Yet Steve’s real edge comes in the way he thinks about fees:

Every dollar the fund spends is a dollar that can’t go into his retirees’ pockets.

So, when Steve joined the fund 17 years ago, he sacked all the highly paid stock-picking hedge fund managers and replaced them with ultra-low-cost index funds. He has 88% of his portfolio invested in index funds and 12% invested in private equity investments.

“I worked out we couldn’t control the investment returns … but we could control our costs … so we keep ours extremely low. And being a lot cheaper than other funds gives us a big head-start.”

This is important: finance is the only industry in the world where the less you pay, the more you get — and the less you do, the better your returns. (I know it sounds like a Dr Seuss riddle, but Steve’s track record proves it’s true.)

Yet here in Oz that message hasn’t cut through. Australians pay more than $30 billion a year in super fund fees, which, according to CPA Australia, are among the highest in the world.

In contrast, for the past 17 years Steve has worked diligently by himself in a small suburban office, bringing leftovers to work and eating at his desk. He drives a second-hand 2006 Honda and, by his own admission, he and his wife live in a tiny home.

“Enough!” I said. “When you manage $82 billion and you shoot the lights out you’re supposed to be a big swinging d …ude! Has it ever bothered you that you’re stuck with the responsibility for managing billions of dollars, for thousands of people … yet you earn less than a fresh-faced kid straight out of college working at a pension fund?”

“Not at all”, he shot back. “Yes, it’s an enormous responsibility, but it’s that part of the job that makes it so fulfilling. I get to work at a job that helps firefighters, and teachers, and police men and women … good working-class people.

“I’d say I’m the luckiest guy around.”

Tread Your Own Path!

The Bonking Fund Manager

Hi Scott,

One of the funds I invest in is the Magellan Global Fund. I’ve since found out that the guy who was running it was bonking someone he shouldn’t have been and now the company has turned south. Do I hold tight or jump ship with everyone else?

Hayley

Hi Hayley,

That was actually another fund manager, not Magellan.

Though Magellan has had a couple of bust-ups: they lost their CEO, and then the founder (and star stockpicker) revealed he was getting a divorce, and then went on indefinite ‘Eat Pray Love’ leave.

Not surprisingly, Magellan Global’s performance is in the toilet.

So what should you do?

Well, to answer that let me tell you about a totally different fund that was coincidentally also called Magellan (well, Fidelity Magellan):

It was an investment legend – averaging a 29.2% annual return, the best 20-year history of any fund, ever.

That meant investors’ money was doubling every two-and-a-half years.

Yet get this: the average investor in the fund actually lost money.

How?

Instead of just leaving their money there … they traded in and out … just like you’re thinking of doing now.

Finally, let me tell you how I deal with this personally:

I invest with a robot.

It has no feelings. It doesn’t bonk anyone. It’ll never retire. It simply and automatically rebalances my portfolio each year (dud companies out, growing companies in). And it consistently achieves higher term returns than 80% of star stockpickers. Even better, this top-performing robot fund is dirt cheap.

It’s called an index fund.

Scott.

Let Me Entertain You

At the park, my kid started playing with his kid, so we began chatting.

He told me he was in the ‘lifestyle marketing’ business. I told him I was in the ‘fat lambs’ business.

Meanwhile, his wife appeared to be working very hard on taking photos of their kids.

“Instagram”, he nodded. “She’s got quite the following”, he added proudly.

“That’s interesting. I think I have 500,000 followers on Facebook”, I said.

At that point he stopped talking, turned, and stared at me like I was a fat lamb.

“Really?”

“Really, though I haven’t really posted much for a year … or maybe two.”

And at that point he began licking his lips. He was about to smother me in marketing mint jelly:

“You could get paid … like … fifteen hundred bucks for ONE POST. You have a brand, so all you need to do is engage your audience each day with a mix of inspirational content and sponsored posts. The key is to be aspirational. Post lots of videos and pics of your family. With that follower count you’ll have advertisers beating down your door”, he gushed.

“Well, that sounds absolutely … horrible”, I said.

Look, there’s a reason I don’t post much on social media: the only thing I dislike more than social media influencers and so-called celebrities is the social media companies that profit from them.

After all, leaked internal research from Facebook (now Meta) found that most users feel worse when they see celebrities and influencers in their feeds … because they compare themselves and come up short.

So let’s you and I take a look at a traditional social media status-anxiety-inspiring post:

“Let me entertain you! Robbie Williams shows you through his $50 million Hollywood Hills mansion.”

On Instagram, superstar Robbie Williams showed his fans through his Hollywood mansion. Wearing a cowboy hat and leopard-skin undies, the singer strutted us across his 20 acres of manicured gardens, with pools, tennis court, and home that’s so humungous it has 27 toilets.

The takeaway?

Robbie’s rich, famous, cool enough to pull off budgie smugglers in public, and is altogether living a fabulous life … and you’re a loser, schlepping around your dump (with one loo) in your trackies.

Okay, so here’s what living ‘the good life’ looks like in reality.

On the ‘This Past Weekend’ podcast, Robbie was candid about the realities of owning the mansion:

“What I didn’t take into account is that house insurance is $700,000 a year. Taxes are $400,000 a year. And I need two gardeners, three housekeepers, a house manager, security detail, and two nannies. I walk into the kitchen and there are eight people there … and none of them are my family. It’s a life tax … a head tax … you just can’t enjoy it.”

Later in the podcast Robbie admitted he suffers anxiety and depression … and rarely leaves his home.

In other words, while you sit on your throne scrolling through your feed, poor old Robbie is anxiously trying to take a dump in a different dunny each day to get his money’s worth.

Okay, so that’s Robbie. You don’t compare yourself to him. Yet it all filters down on social media.

Case in point: how much do Aussies think they need to live ‘the good life’?

According to a News.com.au article, it’s $326,900 per year.

That’s five times the average Aussie wage.

Worse, one in four respondents said they’d need five hundred grand a year to stop feeling povo.

That’s totally out of whack.

My view is that life is infinitely better when you tune out of toxic social media. The only influencer opportunity I’m focused on right now is being a good dad to my kids.

Tread Your Own Path!

Top of the World

Hi Barefoot,

I’m in the fortunate position of being about to receive a windfall on the sale of my business of $10 million. This is great but I don’t want to stuff it up from here! I’m only 45, with a wife and four kids, and I don’t know how to invest this. I’ve been badly burnt by financial advisors in the past so I’m reluctant to hand any of it over to some random to control. What should I do? Our only asset is our family home, worth $1.4 million with a loan of $700,000. What should I do?

Tom

Hey Tom,

Great stuff!

With ten big ones (well, call it nine-and-a-bit after you pay out the mortgage and buy some fancy stuff like cars, holidays and thermomixes), you need to have a strong understanding of what tools you need. Otherwise the finance industry will be very happy to sell you expensive magic wands.

With that in mind, here are a few things to think about:

Getting rich is different to staying rich:

You got rich by stacking all your chips on one business, but to stay rich you’ll need to spread your chips across thousands of businesses – preferably by investing in low-cost domestic and international index funds.

Don’t sell the farm:

Think of your share portfolio like a farm that provides you with a golden harvest of dividends each year (in your case around $300,000 a year!). Spend the yearly harvest, but never, ever sell the farm.

Get yourself a lawyer, son:

Even if you spend all your dividends, your kids still stand to inherit a $30 million (or more) fortune in the future. A family trust can help both protect your assets and minimise their taxes. You’ll need a lawyer for this.
Finally, keep working:

You need to find something that gets you out of bed each morning. This time round you don’t need to do it for the dough, though. Do it to make a difference.

Scott.

My latest phone trick

Liz walked into the bedroom with tears in her eyes.

I glanced up at her and my heart went into my mouth: she was waving a stick at me with two lines.

“You’re pregnant?! Again?!” I screamed.

“No, I have COVID!” she screamed back.

“Oh, well thank god for that” I said, visibly sighing.

(Which in hindsight was not the response she was looking for at that moment.)

Little did we know, the next week was about to get much worse.

That’s because everyone in our family got struck down … well, except me.

What are the chances?

By Wednesday I was strutting around like I’d won first prize on Survivor. Liz had a hunch and suggested I get some ‘proper testing’ at a drive-through.

So I did.

After a long wait, I wound down my window, took off my mask, and smiled at the nurse.

“What brings you here today?” she asked politely.

And then she threw herself back from my car and started screaming at me to close my window.

I could see the terror in her eyes as I madly fumbled to close my window.

At that point one of her colleagues ran to her aid, and then she too started screaming at me.

For the next 15 seconds it was total pandemonium. I had no idea what was going on because (a) my window was up, and (b) they were both screaming and pointing at me from behind their face masks and visors.

Did I have a new super-weird mutating variant?

What the hell was getting these two so steamed up?

And then I saw it:

A giant huntsman crawled down from the roof of my car to my window, then back on to the roof.

“I’m sorry, I have a spider phobia” said the nurse, her eyes darting frantically around the roof of my car.

The poor woman was terrified. As was I. After all, it’s not the calmest set-up for someone who’s about to push a stick up your nose and down your throat.

Of course, she’s not the only one who’s been getting the shakes lately … investors have been seeing a hairy huntsman or two crawling around their stock portfolios, with the market falling in January.

So is this the start of a major sell-off … or just a temporary blip?

You’ve probably got a hunch.

So, given it’s my first week back, let’s test your gut:

Where do you think housing, shares and Bitcoin will be at the end of the year?

(For reference, last year housing was up 22%, Aussie shares were up 16% last year, yet fell by roughly 5% in January, and the price of Bitcoin is currently US$38,000).

It’s easy to be a hero in hindsight (“I knew 2022 was going to turn out like that”), much tougher to do it in real time.

So, take out your phone and read this script:

“Hey Siri/Hey Google/Hey FBI,

“On the first of January 2023, at 8am, remind me of the following predictions I made today:

“Aussie shares will go up/down XXX%.

“The Aussie housing market will go up/down YYY%.

And Bitcoin will be trading at $ZZZ.”

Go on, do it now!

Postscript: after a very long week, the family was raring to get out of isolation and head to the beach for a holiday. Just to be sure I took a RAT test. Bad news. I was pregnant.

What are the chances?

Tread Your Own Path!

My Son is a TikTok Star

Hi Scott,

My 15-year-old son owes a lot to homeschooling. He became super creative and started a TikTok profile @tcezy uploading weird, dark and mysterious content. He has amassed a huge 5.7 million followers in just over a year.

We get daily emails from all sorts of companies wanting him to promote something but so far he has only agreed to one and it made him a staggering $10,000 . Now that could be it. But for the moment what should he do with it?

Jackie

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Hi Jackie

So I just spent way, way, way too long watching your son’s videos.

Then again, that’s the point right?

He’s got more engagement than any prime-time television show, and unlike the idiot box, his ads won’t be a signal to duck off to the dunny.

In other words, this is a genuine business (though his business partner is a super creepy Chinese Artificial Intelligence company that is manipulating its users).

Still, if your son can continue creating great content he’ll have hit the jackpot: a well-paid job he’d gladly do for free!

As for what to do with the $10,000, I’d ask him to think about his saving goals:

Will he want a car in a few years?

If so, he’s better off saving it in an online saver.

However, I’d encourage him to invest the bulk of it in shares (there’s plenty of apps that can do it at a low cost), and only check the price every few years.

What an adventure. You should be proud!

Scott.

The Bitcoin-Plated Coffin

Hey Scott,

We are starting up investment bonds for our child’s future (and plan to have more kids too). I noticed the provider also has a funeral bond option. Is it worth it for a guy in his thirties? Or should I put, say, $10,000 of cold, hard cash per person in my fireproof safe to cover such an event? As we know, Mr Death is awaiting his timeslot.

John

Hi John,

All this future planning has got you fired up, hasn’t it, mate?!

Well, you do not need to invest in a funeral bond.

Here’s why: any money you put in can only be used for your funeral. You can’t take it out earlier.

So, if you sink $10,000 into a funeral bond today, and let compound interest do its thing, your funeral in 50 or 60 years’ time will be absolutely epic! With the eventual bereavement bounty you will have you could afford to be carried out in a bitcoin-plated coffin as the Rolling Stones play a live acoustic set. (Oh wait.)

According to MoneySmart, funerals cost anywhere from $4,000 for something basic to around $15,000 for something fancier. Somewhere in the middle seems about right, right?

My advice: put your energy and efforts into ensuring that you and your wife have adequate life and disability insurance instead.

Scott.