Help! I’ve Ruined My Husband’s Life

Hi Scott,

I'm overwhelmed, emotional and don't have any closer friends I can speak to or confide in. My husband and I recently brought a new house but the loan is eating up most of my pay. (He loves cars and we have 4 at the moment, but only use 2 at any time!) My husband said to me yesterday that he hates his life and that he hates never going on holidays and having fun like everyone else.  He's intimated that he's had a dreadful life since he's met me, and to be fair that's not wrong. And to top it off, I'm just recently pregnant. Please help.

Sandra

Sandra,

This isn't a money problem. This is your husband telling his pregnant wife that she's ruined his life … while he parks four cars in the driveway.

You're building a nest. He's building a hot wheels collection. And now he's blaming you for the fact that his choices have consequences. It sounds like you’ll soon have two babies to look after.

Here's what needs to happen:

You both sit down and have an honest conversation about what actually matters now. You will soon have a baby. You want them to grow up safe and secure, without the two of you fighting and stressing about money.

Tell him: "Here's what's important to me: Our baby. Our family. And not living under constant financial pressure."

Then be specific: "We need to sell at least two of these cars. We need a budget that doesn't eat my entire pay. And we need to stop pretending we can afford a lifestyle we can't."

Sandra, this must be incredibly stressful. The natural reaction is to sweep this under the rug and hope it gets better. Don't do that. 

Given you don't have close friends to confide in, I want you to reach out to a financial counsellor (1800 007 007). You need someone in your corner. In time, hopefully this will include your husband, but for now, you're in crisis and you need support and quickly. You need this sorted well before the baby comes.

Scott

The Controlling Husband?

Hi Scott,

I'm a father of three (ages 9, 5, and 1) who handles all our family finances. My wife has no interest in finances or managing household money, which leads to arguments and stress over large purchases.

I’m working hard to future-proof our family – extra mortgage payments, super contributions, investing for the kids’ education and housing – but I’m doing it alone.

Your recent email about financially controlling relationships hit home. I don’t want to be that person, but I’m scared about what happens if something unfortunate occurs – illness, death, or family changes. My wife would be completely unprepared.

How do I engage my wife in our financial planning without being controlling? I need her involved for two reasons: so she’s protected if something happens to me, and because major financial decisions shouldn’t be mine alone.

Graham

Hey Graham,

Our wives must be kindred ‘don’t give a toss about money’ cousins.

My wife, Liz, couldn’t care less about investments, super balances, or how many books I’ve sold. Her eyes glaze over. She’s far more focused on what I call ‘Liz-gistics’ – the daily do-or-die mission of keeping our four kids alive and at footy practice.

The truth is, my entire Buckets and Date Night system was born because Liz (my fiancée at the time) didn’t care about money. I thought, “if I can come up with a way to keep us on the same page, that’s a win”. 

So … I bribed her. Garlic bread, wine, the Romsey pub – 20 minutes talking money before dessert. That was our deal. These days, the finances part takes about five minutes, and the rest is us ignoring our phones and eating too much pasta.

But here’s the kicker.

Once a year, I sit Liz down and take her through the Fearless Folder. That one sticks. She’s overheard too many distraught widows on the phone with me who didn’t know who their husband’s super was with, let alone how to access it.

She still doesn’t want the details, and that’s fine. But she deserves to feel safe and confident that if something happens to me she won’t be left in the dark.

So here’s my challenge for you this week:

Write a letter to your wife – the letter you will attach to the Fearless Folder that she’ll read if you’re not here.

Pour your heart out – what you love about her, what you hope for the kids, and why you did everything you did to protect them. That letter will put everything into perspective for you, and it will cut through to her in a way dollar figures never will.

Then, book a Date Night. Pour her favourite wine. Tell her you’re not trying to control her – you just want her to be okay, no matter what happens. Show her the Fearless Folder. Read her your letter.

She’ll get it.

More than that, I think she’ll feel deeply loved.

Scott