The Prick Needed to Be Told

Dear Scott,

I just read your response to the daughter whose father was using money to control her mum – and I wanted to say thank you. You called it what it was: coercive control. And you didn’t sugar-coat it. I’ve been there. My second husband never hit me, but he isolated me, controlled our money, and crushed my confidence. It only lasted 20 months, but the damage was deep. Thanks to my son (and your book), I got out and I’m slowly rebuilding. Sue-Ellen may not see it yet. She might even defend him. But you may have planted the first seed. That matters. And you’re right, couples therapy rarely works with abusers. They manipulate the room too. Thanks for saying what needed to be said.

Linda

Hi Linda,

This question struck a nerve with readers, and no wonder. Coercive control is everywhere, especially in older couples where the pattern has been playing out behind closed doors for decades.

It was a tricky one, because I had to speak to the daughter, not the mum directly. But you're right, sometimes the first act of rebellion is simply naming the behaviour out loud. That’s how change begins.

After everything you’ve been through, you now see that coercive control isn’t about being protective or frugal. It’s about fear, power, and keeping someone small. You found your freedom, with the help of your son. Now Sue-Ellen  has the chance to help her mum do the same.

Scott

A letter from someone on the inside

Every so often an email comes through that punches me right in the guts.

Here is a letter from someone on the ‘inside’.

Dear Scott,

I find myself in an abusive marriage, which has become worse over time. The abuse has been slow, but became drastically worse since our children were born, as I have relied on him more (I’m a stay at home mum).

I didn’t notice the red flags in the early days of dating. My husband can project being a family man and a wonderful husband to the outside world, while I have become a shell of the woman I once was.

He has punched walls, called me crazy and even gets upset at me asking him to pick up groceries. He treats me like an inconvenience. He has multiple online affairs. I am scared of what he’ll be like as our children get older. There are behaviours that he does with our kids that don’t sit right with me, but I feel powerless to stop it.

My husband significantly out earns me and would even if I had a job. He has a much better education than I do. He is also more intelligent and charismatic. I am too scared to leave because of the financial implications on my kids. My parents have told me they can’t provide any assistance or accommodation for me and my kids. I don’t want them to go hungry or end up in dangerous accommodation situations.

Anonymous.

Heavy, huh?

Let’s discuss two super-practical things to take from this letter.

First, women don’t consciously decide to shack up with abusive psychopaths, much less have kids with them. Like this woman says, she ‘missed the red flags in the early days of dating’.

So let me give you a red flag.

Before you have kids, grab my book and start doing the Barefoot Date Nights with your partner. The very first step encourages you to share your basic day-to-day spending money. If your partner flat-out refuses, that’s a red flag you probably want to talk to your mother (or best friend) about.

Reason being, as this woman says, ‘the abuse has been slow, but has become drastically worse since our children have been born, as I have relied on him more’. Stay-at-home mothers are selfless, and they often not only lose part of their identity, they also lose their income, and that can put them in a vulnerable position.

Second, women don’t consciously stay with abusive psychopaths, much less subject their kids to an abusive household. They stay because the constant abuse shatters their self-confidence, and they believe they are financially trapped. As this woman admits, “I’m a shell of the woman I once was”.

So here’s a way to slowly rebuild your confidence.

Take back control of your situation by calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), and speak to a family violence expert. Even if you’re not ready. They’ll take you through your options. Here’s one thing I’ve learnt as a financial counsellor: when you walk out one door, five new doors open. There are amazing people willing to walk alongside you, and they’re on the other side of that door, waiting.

Tread Your Own Path!