My Wife Found the Lord … But Not a Job

Hi Scott,
 
My short question is this:
 
Is it legal for a partner to refuse to get work? And who can I turn to if they continue to refuse to get work?
 
The longer question:
 
When we got married, my wife gave up her well-paying job for us to start a family. Our plan was for her to give up work, then return to work when the children were in school full time.
 
Fast forward six years, both the kids are in school full time, and I’ve asked her about getting a job. She refuses to get one, but has spent the last four years doing various TAFE courses. Also, while studying she got heavily involved with a church. During this time her commitment to the church was far superior to her commitment to her family, with her often attending church activities and leaving me and the kids at home late into the night.
 
The house is a pigsty and we haven’t had guests over for at least five years. I’m mentally stressed from being the sole breadwinner, as well as consistently looking after the children. If I leave, I’ll potentially lose the house and assets I've paid for (she brought nothing financially to the relationship). And she point blank refuses to participate in any marriage or financial counselling. Where can I turn?
 
Dennis
 
Hi Dennis
 
The short answer is, no it’s obviously not illegal for a partner to refuse to work!
 
I’m not a relationship counsellor, but one thing I can tell you: whatever decision you come to, don’t make it based on money.
 
There is a lot to unpack here … yet I don’t think your wife getting a job will solve your problems.
 
Your real problem is that you’re living in an unhappy marriage where your wife is getting at least some of her needs met by her faith and the church rather than you.
 
So the real question you need to ask yourself is this:
 
Are you willing to try and improve the relationship … or are you too bitter, twisted and hurt?
 
The only person that can answer this question is you. And even if you do decide to try and improve your relationship – perhaps by going to church with her – there’s obviously no guarantees from her side. If you come to the conclusion that the relationship is cooked, that’s your main concern … not the money.

Scott.

My Mother has a Lover

Hi Scott
 
My mother has been sending large amounts of money to a holiday fling for the last 14 years. She has almost lost her home, she’s drawn on her super, and I fear she will be in dire straits soon if this continues. It happened like this: in 2010 she met a young Casanova in Egypt, and a holiday fling quickly became a business partnership. My mother has zero business experience. She’s borrowed against her home to fund some outlandish ideas. She has been back a number of times and has seen where her money has gone – apparently! I’m not sure whether it was the car manufacturing plant or the haute couture fashion house. I wish I was kidding – these are examples of their ‘ventures’. Despite 14 years, hundreds of thousands of dollars and zero return, she’s even more optimistic now. In reality she is a teacher struggling to find a permanent position because she is past retirement age, is burdened with debts she can no longer afford, and has enough super to keep her until Christmas this year. And she will not listen to my concerns! I was hoping this was something I could report to the relevant authorities so they can intervene before she loses everything.
 
Linda
 
Hi Linda
 
That sounds like one hell of an expensive shag!
 
Still, you can’t call the cops. From the sounds of it, he’s not doing anything illegal (immoral perhaps, but not illegal). And you’ve tried talking sense to her, but clearly after 14 years that hasn’t worked.
 
So what can you do?
 
Well, you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially.
 
I’d suggest writing a letter to your mum explaining how much you love her and how concerned you are for her financially. Then detail the likely consequences of her actions. Paint her a picture of what her retirement will look like. How will she service her debts when she’s too old to work?
 
Understand her debts will die with her: you won’t inherit them … but that also means you won’t inherit any dough from her either. So double down on your Barefoot plan!

Scott

Nervous Wife

Hi Scott,
 
My husband and I are both in our mid-forties and have a combined income of $210,000. We have paid off our mortgage, and we lease our cars through my husband’s work as part of a salary sacrifice program. We have no other debt and around $75,000 in savings. We have been paying extra into superannuation, and when he retires from his job as a firefighter he will retire with a lump sum payment that will be more than adequate.
 
But now my husband wants to invest in day trading, and has been doing a trading course to ‘educate’ himself. I’m not very investment savvy and would definitely be the more money cautious out of the two of us. This seems a bit risky to me, but when I say this he tells me that we need to make our money “work for us”. Do you think day trading is a smart way of making our money work, or can you suggest something else that we should consider?
 
Nervous Wife.

Dear Nervous Wife,
 
Ding! Ding! Ding!
 
I’m hearing a fire alarm, and your firefighting, risk-taking hubby is running towards the danger. The only problem is that if he begins day trading it’s your money that he’s going to set on fire.
 
Look, some of the savviest day traders I know have gone broke more than a few times. And these days it’s even harder because you’re trading against AI bots. It’s just not a game you can reliably win.
 
Allow me just one last analogy: you two have reached the top of the mountain. Yet, instead of sitting back and enjoying the view, your husband has pulled on a snowboard and is doing some tricks for some extra kicks. That’s crazy.
 
I’d gently remind him that your money is working for you, via your superannuation. I’d focus on how much you need to contribute to it to live comfortably. Once that is set up, I’d get him busy thinking about all the exciting things he could be doing with his time, rather than risking his money.
 
Enjoy the view, don’t let him screw it up!

Scott.

So My Wife Has a Boyfriend …

Hi Scott,

I was reading your article ‘So My Husband Has a Lady Friend’ from last week, and it struck me that this is exactly my story. Except it’s me, the husband, who has discovered his wife is having ‘catch-ups’ with her ex-boyfriend from before we met. I’m gutted. She is already talking about getting her name off joint accounts and is asking about separate bank accounts. I’m very worried because I run my own business and don’t know how this will affect it, as well as the equity we’ve built up in our home (we have put most of the retained profits from the business into the mortgage). Is there any advice you can give dads out there, as this doesn’t only happen to women – it can happen to hardworking, loving, supportive blokes too.
 
Terry
 
Hi Terry
 
Thank you so much for reaching out to me – I can’t imagine how tough this would be for you.
 
So let me be blunt:
 
Whether you work it out with your wife or not, the next year or two is going to suck.
 
You’re going to be put through the wringer emotionally, and you’ll need a lot of time to focus on you. Yet, if you’re the chief ballboy and bottle-washer for your business, something’s going to have to give. It could be your mental health, or the health of your business, or … both.
 
So here are three meetings I’d suggest you have:
 
First, sign up to a free Small Business Mentoring Service in your state and get some help setting up procedures and strategies that will allow you to step away from the business when you need to.
 
Second, talk to the NewAccess for Small Business Owners service (1300 945 301). It’s a government-funded program that matches you with a mental health coach (all the coaches are former small business owners, not bureaucrats) who will have really practical ways to help you manage stress and overwhelm.
 
Finally, see a family lawyer – this week –   and explain exactly what’s going on.
 
Good luck.

Scott.

So My Husband Has a Lady Friend …

Hi Scott,
 
My husband has met a new lady friend. We got through Covid without killing each other (or the kids), but this year has been horrible. I’m totally stressed out that in November our home loan repayments will jump $1,200 a month, and so I’ve been telling him we need to buckle down and stop spending. But he has no idea about money. In fact, just to tick me off, a few months ago he joined a very expensive gym which he flat-out refuses to drop. And today I’ve learned that he’s been messaging a woman there that he ‘trains’ with. I’m at boiling point, and I want him to leave. But what do I do then?
 
Hi Natalie,
 
I am not a relationship counsellor.
 
However, I’ve helped enough people in your situation to know one thing for sure:
 
After the initial shock wears off, you’ll know in your gut whether it’s going to work out … or not.
 
And if you decide it’s over, here is what you do next:
 
First, lock everything down.
 
Change all your passwords and PINs, and lock down your phone’s privacy and location tracking settings. Then find as much financial information as you can: you’re looking for copies of your marriage and birth certificates, and any information on shares, property or superannuation.
 
Second, call your bank’s hardship department.
 
Let them know what’s going on (and if there’s been any family violence tell them that too). Ask them to put a freeze on all joint accounts, including credit cards. And, if you have a redraw or a line of credit on your home loan, have them change it so you both have to sign before making transactions. Then, open a new bank account in just your name that he can’t access.
 
Third, see a family lawyer.
 
Actually, you should meet with a family lawyer even if you’re still sitting on the fence with the relationship. Reason being, the first meeting will be free, and you’ll be able to get answers to many of the questions that are swirling around in your head as you lie in bed at night.
 
Finally, whatever happens, make sure you reach out for support – it sounds like the next 12 months could be rough, and you don’t need to do it on your own.

Scott.

Help! My Elderly Dad Is About to Lose His Home!

Hi Scott,
 
Some years ago my dad was approached by my sister and her ex-husband Larry (they were divorced) to go guarantor for a business loan. Larry promised he would repay the loan in three months, and my sister said that if anything happened she’d be there to help.
 
At the time, Larry hired a lawyer to represent my dad and also hired a translator on his behalf. And my dad signed. But (despite the lawyer and translator) I don’t think he understood the full impact of his decision, as there was nothing to his benefit.
 
Fast forward to today and Larry has not been able to repay the loan. Even worse, he has defaulted on the original loan multiple times. Each time, the borrowed amount was increased to cover the principal and interest on the previous loan. Now my dad, who is in his 80s, has received an eviction notice from the Sheriff demanding him to move out by the end of the week.
 
My dad migrated to Australia as a younger man, and he and my mum worked their arses off over many years to pay off their home. My mum postponed her cancer treatment when they bought this house in order to keep working, leading her cancer to advance until it was too late. She passed away more than a decade ago. This house is Dad’s heart and pride, and I can’t bear to see him lose it all.
 
Please, Barefoot, will you save us from this mess?
 
Bill

Bill,
 
This is very, very serious.
 
(And kind of weird, given your dad backed a bloke who’d already divorced his daughter!?).
 
If your father has been given an eviction notice, it’s critical that you deal with this immediately – which is why I called my personal lawyer, Dr Brett Davies, and briefed him on your situation.
 
Brett’s view is that the guarantee your father gave is potentially unenforceable.
 
In other words, if your dad was conned into it by Larry (or the lawyer), then he shouldn’t lose his house.
 
(Someone should lose their home … but it shouldn’t be your dad.)
 
So, ask some hard questions, like:
 
Who was the lawyer Larry arranged, and was he independent?
 
Who paid the lawyer’s bill? (If he was acting for your dad, he is duty-bound to provide a copy of the file. Get that file.)
 
Who was present when the ‘guarantee’ was being explained?
 
Was there pressure put on your dad?
 
Was the guarantee valid? (As you correctly state, your dad got “nothing to his benefit” by signing a guarantee. Usually a bank would also require a sign-off by an accountant or financial planner, as well as a lawyer. Did he get that?)
 
So, tomorrow, call Mortgage Stress Victoria on 1800 572 292 and speak to a lawyer.
 
And never invite Larry over to dinner again.

Scott

A Question For Missus Barefoot

Hi Scott (and Liz),
 
Since 2017, I’ve followed Barefoot to a ‘T’ and managed to purchase a home at the ripe old age of 25. And then in walked the man of my dreams and – BOOM! – love struck! So should I sell my house, or should we borrow on the equity to make our family home dreams come true? I’d do anything for him but I have this little Barefoot voice in the back of my head: safety, safety, safety! Everyone I speak to says, “Never sell”, or “It’s our biggest regret!” I know Liz sold her home to buy the family farm, but does she regret it?

Tina

Hi Tina,
 
First a disclaimer: my wife is a television producer, not a financial adviser (and, even though she’s married to the Barefoot Investor, she cares as much about money as I do about reality television).
 
Still, I dutifully asked her whether she regretted selling her (tiny) studio apartment.
 
Her response: “No, not really.”
 
I’ve often thought it would be nice to still own that tiny little dogbox (with an oven her brother found on the side of the road). Not because it was a good investment, but because it was such a huge achievement … and a great lesson for our kids, especially our daughter.
 
Yet, at the time, we couldn’t comfortably afford to keep both. We were starting a family, and the wisest financial decision was not to take on additional debt and financial stress.
 
We sat down on a Barefoot Date Night, ran the sums, and made an emotional but sensible decision together. That’s the story we’ll tell our kids when they’re older.
 
So that’s the first thing to discuss after you order wine at your next Date Night!

Scott

Help! A Duffer Got Me Up the Duff

Hi Scott,
 
My partner and I have just found out we are pregnant. We have only been together six months and had our first financial Date Night scheduled for the weekend following the news. It has definitely not been ideal! While I don’t have much in savings, I do have an apartment and a car. He has neither assets nor much in savings: a total of $7,000 in his account and last night he told me he wants to buy himself a bike worth $1,300! I am freaking out about combining my assets with someone who is financially irresponsible, particularly while I am pregnant and then on maternity leave. I know you advocate sharing bank accounts, but are there instances when they should be kept separate?

Narelle
 
Hi Narelle,
 
Congratulations on your news!
 
Now, I don’t know anyone who’s ever been fully prepared for their first child. It’s a shemozzle from the get-go (and then you have another one).
 
You sound like you’re a few financial bases further on from your partner, which is a good thing, but don’t write him off yet.
 
My advice?
 
Do the Barefoot Date Nights, starting next week.
 
The first Date Night gets you to set up a bank account. Here’s where you have your first of many honest conversations. Let him know that you’re not going to share a bank account with him right now, because you need to protect yourself and your baby financially. 
 
Then explain that the way to prove he’s committed is to follow the Barefoot Steps. They’ll not only keep you on the same page, they’ll guide your new little family to financial safety.

Scott.

My Husband Won’t Let me Stop Working, Even Though We’re Worth $7 Million

Dear Scott,
 
My husband is in his 60s and happily retired. I am in my mid-50s and still working. We are childless. We have nearly $7 million in assets (including a paid-off house worth about $1.5 million), our dividends are about $500,000 a year gross, and I want out. He is concerned that we’ll run out of money if I stop working. I just don’t know how to sit down and work out when ‘enough is enough’? How do I get my husband to see my point of view?

Christina

Hi Christina,
 
Your question reminds me of a legendary story by John Bogle:
 
“At a party given by a billionaire, author Kurt Vonnegut informs his pal, Joseph Heller, that their host, a hedge fund manager, had made more money in a single day than Heller had earned from his wildly popular novel Catch-22 over its whole history. Heller responds: “Yes, but I have something he will never have – ENOUGH”.’
 
The same could be said for your husband. You could stop working today! With no debts, and $500,000 passive income a year, you have more than ENOUGH.
 
It sounds like you need a Barefoot Date Night. And if he still doesn’t listen to your concerns, you could gently tell him you could live off $250,000 a year … which is what you’d get if you divorced him. Not that you ever would, of course.

Scott.

Barefoot Fight Night

Hi Scott,
 
During lockdown my hubby started a small hobby business to ‘keep him busy’. It has now taken over, and not in a good way. He runs it with its own account, separate from our family. I didn’t mind this arrangement as, initially, he was saving for a motorbike. Then I discovered he’s been gambling the profits away into crypto. A massive argument ensued. He says he’s ‘investing for the future’ and it’s ‘his’ money. I say he’s misinformed. What say you?
 
Wendy

Hi Wendy,
 
I see crypto as being in the same category as betting on the nags, breeding gerbils or buying Pokémon cards. So tell him, “mate if that’s your idea of fun, well, pikachu to you!”
 
Just gently suggest he only set aside a small amount of money for his fantasy coin fetish … and then get him thinking about directing the bulk of his profits towards something more meaningful.
 
Like what?
 
Well, I’d go on a Barefoot Date Night and ask him the following question:
 
“What do you LOVE to spend money on?”
 
He might say ‘travel’.
 
Then you say, “Okay, what’s one experience you’ve always wanted to have travelling?” It might be a cooking class in Italy. It might be the Grand Prix in Monte Carlo.
 
The key is to get him excited about saving up for a goal, and not defensive (oh, and also to make it feel like it was his idea in the first place).

Scott.

My Wife Has No Idea What I’ve Done …

Hi Scott

I write this with a heavy heart. Three days ago I found out that the investments that my wife and I were making were a scam. We have lost $90,000, our entire house deposit savings. The thing is, she doesn’t know yet. Tough pill to swallow.

This wasn’t a run-of-the-mill scam like clicking on a link or allowing a hacker access to our banking details – it was a sophisticated scam involving purchasing of ‘shares’ for multiple ‘companies’. What concerns me most is how do I face the shame when telling her? (Yes, she was on board with it at the time, but it was my idea.) During our Barefoot Date Nights, along with other topics, we discuss the shares we’ve ‘purchased’. This is probably my biggest fear – letting her down.

And where to from here? Four years of savings, all gone. Thanks to Barefoot we’ve been debt free, but I’m in such disbelief that our house deposit has vanished. Your words keep replaying through my head: “put it into a high-interest savings account if you plan on using it in the next five years”. Fool me once ...

Steve

Hi Steve

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

The only thing you can do is to be honest with her. Admit that you screwed up and then quickly ‘assume the brace position’, as they say on the Qantas safety cards.

Then, once the turbulence has passed, I have a practical suggestion for you:

I want you to go on a Barefoot Date Night and ask yourselves the following questions:

– What can we learn from getting scammed?
– How could this be a good thing?
– What are we grateful for?

Look, this scumbag scammer already took your money. Don’t let him steal your most precious assets: your self-esteem and your time. You two got yourself out of debt and built up a deposit in four years. You’re still standing. You have each other. You’ll build back better. You got this.

Scott.

Our Son-in-Law is a Nothing Burger

Hi Scott,

Our 48-year-old daughter was $2,000 away from paying off her house when her husband of 23 years told her that he had used the redraw facility attached to their housing loan to withdraw $150,000 to invest in a cryptocurrency scam! He has now left her with $5 in the bank and two young boys to support. It seems our daughter was too trusting way back (23 years ago) when the home loan was set up. Even though it was in both names, the redraw facility required only his signature.

It has been extremely stressful and embarrassing, and like a snowball as unpaid bills have rolled in. As retirees we now find ourselves with a second family to support. All avenues for help have been fruitless so far. Can you give us any advice? Also, please alert other trusting young wives that they must have two signatures on a redraw facility or they may find themselves in this same devastating situation.

Tania

Hey Tania

It sounds like your son-in-law is an addicted gambler.

The fact that he was caught up in a crypto scam is neither here nor there – it all ends the same way:

The scammer (or betting company) ends up with all the money, the punter is lumped with the losses, and tragically, as is the case with your daughter, there’s often an innocent partner who becomes collateral damage.

So what advice do I have?

She has two choices: work it out, or kick his arse to the curb.

If she chooses to stay with him, I’d suggest she insist he get professional counselling (call Gambler’s Help on 1800 858 858). If she’s not planning on staying with him, I’d get her to speak to a family lawyer and an accountant and set up plans for life as a single parent.

Yet I’ll tell you one thing that’s totally off the table: getting the money back. The horse hasn’t bolted, it’s dead. No amount of flogging your son-in-law will bring it back. At some point they have to put it behind them and move forward financially (together or apart).

Scott

Help! Our Family is Breaking Apart

Hey Scott,

Six years ago my partner purchased his first home for $340,000, with his two brothers. He pitched in $26,000 along with his first homebuyer’s perks. His brothers put in $15,000 and $3,000. Since then, they have all paid the same amount each week to pay down the mortgage quicker. The house is now worth a (conservative) $800,000. The area where the house is located is on the rise, so my partner doesn’t want to sell anytime soon.

However, the brother who put in $3,000 is annoyed and wants to sell up, and thinks he is entitled to a third, despite it being obvious he isn’t. (At one stage he didn’t even make his share of the mortgage repayments for a whole year.) The whole situation is messy and stressful, and it may be what breaks the family apart. I think my partner should cut him loose and buy out his share, but what is he really entitled to?

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

What a mess!

You’ve just described the reason I strongly advise against going into debt with family members. Even though the investment has done great, everyone is miserable!

At the very least you need to have a written agreement right from the start.

For me, it’s ‘Bros over Ho(me)s’.

If I were in your shoes, I’d do the following:

First, I’d suggest that it’s time everyone went their separate ways with this investment.

Second, I’d commit to selling the property. I don’t care if you think it’s going higher, the fact is it’s got bad family ju-ju (a non-financial term), and if you keep it (and buy out the others) it’ll serve as a constant reminder to them of the deal. If it goes well and the property goes up, they’ll feel they’ve missed out. And even if it goes down, they’ll still hold a grudge.

Third, I’d appoint someone independent, perhaps your parent’s accountant or a conveyancer, to broker a deal (which would include dealing gently but firmly with the entitled brother).

Lastly, don’t take your eyes off the prize: the most important asset here that needs to be protected above all else is the family relationship, not the property.

Scott.

Hiding My Savings from My Hubby

Hi Scott,

My hubby racked up debt under both of our names from a repeatedly failed business idea. I’ve told him it’s risky and not to do it anymore, but he just resents me for ‘not supporting him’. He’s a financial bully. I have now left work and had a baby, so he can’t get money from me at the moment (he always tells me to give him money). Yet I secretly saved lots of cash before I left work. I keep it in a UBank USaver, but is it still best kept there? Do you have advice for people like me who have a financially reckless spouse?

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

‘Financial bully’ is another name for ‘abuser’.

You absolutely did the right thing saving up a secret stash before you went on maternity leave – without it you’d be in a very vulnerable position.
What advice do I have?

First, being married doesn’t mean you should have to put up with being bullied.

Second, I’d suggest you both see a relationship counselor to get to the bottom of these issues. Unless you confront it head on, things are unlikely to change.

Finally, if he refuses to get counselling, you should go and see a financial counsellor yourself (1800 007 007) and get some strategies to help build up that potential getaway fund … which is okay in UBank or any other account that he doesn’t have access to.

Scott

Robbing Peter to Pay Paul

Dear Scott,

I've written some pretty damn good questions to you before and you've never answered them. Hopefully, I'm not wasting my time with this one. My husband is not putting his money where his mouth is. He runs his own business and is the sole breadwinner for our family. We have read your book and set up buckets with our income going into mortgage, daily expenses and splurge. This year his business has been slower and the percentage going into our mortgage has not covered the monthly repayments. On top of this, I have discovered he hasn’t been putting the percentage we agreed upon into the mortgage and has instead been skimming it into our daily expenses. If the mortgage isn’t paid each month, I want to know about it! And I definitely want to be involved in any decisions about ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul’. How do I make sure the money goes where we have agreed it should?

Wendy

Hi Wendy,

I want you to re-read the first two sentences of your question.

(Go on, have a read, I’ll wait.)

It’s kind of … gruff.

Is that the same tone and approach you use with your husband?

If so, that may be part of the problem.

(After all, it’s not like he’s siphoning off the cash to blow on wizz fizz and hokey-pokey.)

Wendy, like it or not, you’re a small business family, and he needs to know that you’ve got his back.

Here are a couple of suggestions on what you can do together:

Set up buckets for the business – especially for paying tax and suppliers. Separating the business from your personal finances is really important. Ultimately, the business needs to pay at least as much as he’d get working for someone else; otherwise, what’s the point?

Once you have your buckets set up, and a clear picture of what the break-even earnings of the business are, work together to set some sales goals over the next year.

Finally, if things get really tough, call the Small Business Debt Helpline (sbdh.org.au, 1800 413 828). They’re experts. They’re confidential. And they’re free.

Scott.

Thirty Years of Marriage Ended in One Minute

Scott,

My husband of 30 years left me in February this year with a one-minute phone call. Throughout our marriage I have been the main income-earner, supporting him through his small business and paying the mortgage and all living expenses. He would give me money here and there. The home is in my name but the mortgage is in both, though he has never paid a cent to it. The house is worth $200,000 with a $150,000 mortgage, and I have other debts that I took out to support him. His parents’ estate was settled in January and he was due to receive over $600,000 in inheritance. It was delayed for a month so that I couldn’t make a claim on it. I’m not being greedy, I just want the mortgage paid out. Do I have a claim?

Carol

Hi Carol,

Your marriage may have ended in one minute, but it sounds like your ex spent many hours planning his departure.

Now you could go to the Family Court about this.

However, a word of warning if you do: the Family Court is a little like a mother at the end of her tether trying to sort out a fight between her kids … everyone gets a clip around the ear!

The Court could look at your husband’s trick of delaying probate on his parents’ estate and order him to give a chunk of it to you. Or, it could order you to pay off the mortgage and transfer the property to him. More likely it will be somewhere in the middle.

So, just like warring siblings, you should do everything you can to avoid being dragged into the fight: because it’s going to be rough … and potentially very, very expensive.

Yet if it does come to that, my advice is the same as rocker Tex Perkins:

“Better get a [family] lawyer son, you better get a real good one.”

Scott.

I Loaned My Friend $500,000 … He Hasn’t Paid It Back

Hi Scott,

About four years ago I trusted a long-time friend enough to lend them over $500,000 to renovate and sell his house. After renovating, he and his partner had a contract signed to sell the house, but it fell through. They couldn’t afford to relist the house, and ended up signing over the house to his brother in return for having a bridging loan paid off. Since then I have had a negligible amount of the money paid back to me. At the time I loaned this money I was in a bad way emotionally and not thinking clearly, so the only evidence I have is my bank statements. I’m still in regular contact with this ‘friend’, and he says he’s intending to pay me back soon, but I’m not seeing any hard evidence. My psychologist suggested I write to you to see what you recommend – so do I try to get my money back?

Michael

Hi Michael,

What a horrible situation to be in!

You must feel a bit taken advantage of … and perhaps a bit powerless.

If I were in your shoes, I’d stop talking to your friend and start talking to a lawyer.

Your lawyer will want evidence of the money transfers (you sending money to him, and the small repayments you’ve received), together with any email or text conversations you’ve had regarding the loan. They may also want a supporting letter from your psychologist.

Then they’ll send them what’s known as a letter of demand, which is exactly what it sounds like: “Pay back the money by a certain date or we will commence legal proceedings.” Ideally, you’d hope to be able to settle this via mediation before going down the costly court route.

Either way, until the money is repaid in full, I’d strongly suggest you do not speak to this person.

Scott.

My Aussie Boyfriend Should Pay For Everything

Dear Moneybags,

I have a boyfriend of a few months who is Australian (I’m Indian) and in my culture it is customary for the man to pay for dinner, or at least ‘do the dance’ and insist that he pays. I am financially stable and can afford dinner but I would at least like the offer. It’s not like he doesn’t pay sometimes, it’s just that when I reach for my phone he doesn’t protest. What should I do to explain that doing the dance is polite where I come from?

Shiraz

Hi Shiraz,

Come on.

It’s just you and me.

You don’t need to play the games with old Barefoot.

It’s not really about the money, is it Shiraz?

It’s that you believe that a man proves that he cares about you by spending his money on you and treating you like a princess.

I’m not saying that’s wrong. It’s just what you believe.

Yet what is wrong is that you’re telling me about it … and not the poor bloke!

He’s wandering around the parking lot looking for a co-share Uber thinking he’s giving you respect and equality … but you’re waiting for the horse-drawn carriage!

When my wife and I began dating, we did this merry-go-round … but in reverse.

I thought I was being chivalrous by wanting to pay for everything.

Yet, as an independent woman, she thought I was a backward country boy (and still does, actually).

We sorted it out, though. We had to. After all, no relationship can thrive if you’re on the wrong bus.

What did we do?

We set up a monthly Barefoot Date Night.

So, Shiraz, if you are serious about this bloke, you need to tell him that’s how you expect love and validation to be shown. Don’t blame it on your culture – and don’t feel shame. Just tell him.

Good luck.

Scott.

So My Husband Spent my Redundancy on Grog

Dear Scott,

I just discovered that my husband of seven years, and the father to my children, has spent half of my $40,000 redundancy on grog and other rubbish. I suppose it’s my fault for trusting this man (a former accountant!) with our family finances. The trouble is, bill-paying gives me anxiety, and I am useless with numbers. I’ve always been ‘kept’. My question is: what’s the best way to set up bill payments and track where our money is going? Feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Renae

Hi Renae,

Let’s flip it.

Your stress and anxiety are coming from doubting your husband, and yourself.

I understand how overwhelming it must be for you right now, so let’s start at the beginning.

Step 1: Schedule a Barefoot Date Night. Bring a copy of my book, or listen to it via audiobook on the way.

Step 2: Set up your buckets. Look at your daily expenses that are going into your ‘Blow’ bucket and see how much, as a percentage of your income, that’s taking up, and go from there. You don’t need to do a spreadsheet. You don’t have to track every last cent. I’ve never had the self-discipline to do it, and I don’t expect you to either.

Step 3: Let me tell you a little secret: it’s not really about the money. Once you get on top of things it’s going to change how you look at your husband, and most importantly yourself.

Scott.

So My Husband Revealed His Debts

Scott,

After I finished your book I asked my husband to come clean on our finances, as we had had separate accounts. And O.M.G. his credit card debts were out of control! I told him “we are a team or it’s over”. Then I got him to read your book. Then I got the kids to read the book (I was honest with them about our finance mistakes). Then we slowly turned our situation around together. We no longer have any murky undertow in our relationship, and we are happily married again. Thank you!

Belinda

Hey Belinda,

That’s epic.

You not only saved your finances, you likely saved something much more valuable: your family. And while I’m handing out the high-fives, good on you for being honest with your kids about your financial mistakes. That’s a teachable moment. I often get parents to blend up their credit cards in front of their kids while they tell them “from now on our family doesn’t do debt”. That’s a powerful visual lesson that helps kids not repeat your money mistakes.

Scott.