Old Dog, Bad Tricks

Hi Scott,

My dear mum turned 70 last year and is in a concerning situation. Dad has always been frugal, but I have just found out he has put Mum in a really tight spot. She can’t claim the pension because Dad is still working and earning well. So she’s dipping into her superannuation for everyday expenses like fuel and groceries. Apart from paying some household bills, Dad contributes nothing. They own a paid-off house by the beach. 

Mum worked for over 40 years, took time off to raise us three kids, and worked part time to support us. Mum can’t enjoy her retirement because she’s paying for living expenses from her dwindling super while her employed husband contributes nothing. If Dad loves Mum, why aren’t they sharing an equal pot of money? Do they need financial counselling or couples counselling?

Sue-Ellen

Hi Sue-Ellen,

Your dad isn’t being frugal – he’s being a total prick.

Your mum raised a family, worked for decades and, like so many women her age, ended up with bugger-all super. Now, at 70, she’s using what little she has left just to buy groceries, while your dad keeps working and pockets every cent for himself.

That’s not right.

Sue-Ellen, this is about your old man using money to control your mum. And the fact that it’s been this way for decades doesn’t excuse it … it actually shows just how deep the pattern runs with these two.

But here’s the tricky part: if you confront him, at best he’ll probably tell you to butt out. At worst, he’ll get his back up and dig in harder, and you’ll have strained your relationship with him.

So you need to be smart about this.

Your mum doesn’t need a financial counsellor (well, not yet at least). She needs to encourage him to go with her and see a couples counsellor, someone who can help put this dynamic on the table and gently call it what it is:

Coercive control, which is another name for financial abuse.

Scott