My Dirtbag Sister

Hi Scott,

My sibling only contacts me when she needs money. A few years ago she lied about having no debts, then it came out she’d hocked her car.  

When I  questioned why she lied, she hung up and ghosted me. Eighteen months later she calls asking how I am, chats for two hours, then texts asking for a $308 loan.

She's addicted to debt – constantly hocking belongings and taking high-interest loans. I suspect gambling. She’s been to financial counselling but the pattern continues. I could give her $308, but I know I’d never hear from her again until the next crisis. This cycle has repeated my whole life. I want to help, but I believe lending money just enables her addiction. Please tell me I’m doing the right thing by saying no – I wish I could help but I think loans make it worse.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

So ... you’re asking me for permission to not be manipulated?

Granted!

I hereby order you to put in place some boundaries that will help both you and your sister.

That two-hour ‘how are you?’ chat, followed by the $308 text, is textbook manipulation. It must make you feel like you’ve sucked on a lemon.

So, the next time your sister calls, grab some tequila and salt.

Here’s what I'd say:

“I love you, but I can’t lend you money anymore. It’s not helping either of us.”

Don’t get into a debate. ‘No’ is a complete sentence in this situation.

I get that you feel guilty because she’s family. It’s totally normal to feel empathy for your sister being in this situation. However, by giving her money you’re just enabling the bad behaviour and delaying her reaching rock bottom.

Sometimes the kindest thing is to let someone face the consequences of their choices.

Scott