by Scott Pape - December 24th 2011
GOOD evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Fogey Awards for 2011 — the annual ceremony celebrating the characters who add some sugar and spice to the all-too-serious world of investing.
For the uninitiated, the Fogeys were born out of television’s night of nights, the Logies, as well as the old-fogey legislation of compulsory superannuation, which underpins our financial frivolity to the tune of $70 million a day (soon to be bumped up to $100 million a day thanks to the gallant Gillard Government Robin-Hooding some ill-gotten gains from those greedy mining billionaires).
We have some distinguished guests in our midst this evening that I’d like to recognise:
The newly crowned “world’s best treasurer”, Wayne Swan, is here. Wayne was given the award by Euromoney Magazine – which I think says it all.
The first couple, Scrawnie Warnie and Betty Hurley, have also joined us for the evening. I know Betty is partial to the finger food – souvlaki (served as a sign of solidarity with our Greek friends; each will cost 272 and be delivered in six months).
The Prime Minister sends her apologies. She’s apparently come down with a bad case of the Rudds, so she’ll be resting at home in Altona this evening.
Her partner, everyone’s favourite handbag Tim Mathieson, will once again be in the L’Oreal Paris Celebrity Makeup Room, where he’ll be manning the blow-dryer. Thanks Tim.
Now without further ado, let’s get on to the awards.
Best Actor Fogey
I see that the good doctor Geoffrey Edelsten and his bride have arrived on cue, which is appropriate because this year he’s clinched the Best Actor Fogey.
He’s managed to reprise his 1980s role of the flamboyant entrepreneur, which came to a close after he was declared bankrupt, was thrown in jail for hiring a hitman, and had his medical registration revoked after ripping off Medicare – among other things.
Now the 68-year-old is back, helped by millions of dollars from the sale of his Allied Medical Group. Geoffrey has been before the courts this year, having allegedly failed to produce information for the Australian Taxation Office. We do wish him the best of luck.
Biggest Flop Fogey
In a year where the market was down about 10 per cent, there was plenty of competition for the Biggest Flop Fogey.
Qantas’s decision to ground all flights to coincide with the Melbourne Cup was just unsportsmanlike (although it did snooker the unions).
Passengers were left stranded, but it could have been worse – they could have been shareholders, who lost about 40 per cent of their investment this year.
The downgrade of the US by Standard & Poor’s (the same company that rated subprime “spectacular” a couple of years ago) was perhaps the start of a bigger flop that will play out over the next few years.
Hang in there for that one.
But the winner has to be the Greek Parliament, which this year has presided over a bellywhacker or three – from limply trying to rein in tax evasion, to disputing how much debt they really have, to causing a mini-meltdown when former prime minister George Papandreou called (briefly) for a referendum on their bailout package.
Congratulations. “Malakas to Mykonos”.
Hall of Shame Fogey
There’s been more money lost by gullible suburban traders on CFDs (contracts for difference or “complicated financial disasters” – take your pick) than Shane Warne has blown on plastic surgery.
This year’s Hall of Shame winner is CFD broker MF Global, which finally did the right thing and left the market – though not of its own volition.
It collapsed in late October after making a $6.3 billion bet on European debt. It reportedly took $313 million of Australian punters’ dough with it — and it’s unlikely there’ll be any lolly left over after the administrators pick at the corporate carcass.
Romantic Comedy Fogey
Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard’s passionate embrace after the passing of the carbon tax wins the Romantic Comedy Fogey hands down.
Great rom-coms all have the same characters: the heroine (Julia Gillard), the loopy sidekick (Bob Brown), the nemesis (Tony Abbott), the interfering friend (Bill Shorten) and a cast of millions who get caught up in the hilarity.
By the way, tonight’s Fogeys has proudly gone zero emissions, so we decided it was better off not having Tony Abbott attend.
Instead we’ve got Dr John Hewson, who’ll be giving us a talk on “what the carbon tax means for us” after dinner. Watch out for that one.
Fine Print Fogey
This year the Government did a great job cleaning up the financial planning industry with its “future of financial advice” reforms, so hopefully most of us won’t be caught out by the fine print any more.
Not so for Channel 9′s owners, private equity firm CVC Asia Pacific, who are reading plenty of fine print as they try to roll over $2.8 billion in debt (half of which is Kerri-Anne Kennerley’s superannuation payout).
But this year, the winner of the Fine Print Fogey is Choice — something I would never, ever have thought possible.
This was the year the consumer watchdog turned into a lapdog, with its sleazy marketing stunt “One Big Switch”.
After years of championing independence, Choice is now taking kickbacks from the mortgage lenders it directs consumers to.
“Consumers should read the fine print”, advised Choice when questioned about the scheme.
International Fogey
This Fogey is a recognition that we’re just a pimple on the rump of the rest of the world.
In the past, Gerry Harvey won this award after his failed attempt to place a GST on overseas imports.
This year JB Hi-Fi was a candidate after its shock profit downgrade – a result of increased online comparison-shopping and crashing electrical goods prices.
Yet there can only be one winner, and this year it’s one for the bogans sitting in a Balinese bungalow bitching about the price of Bintang (at 30c a bottle).
Yes, it’s the Aussie dollar – a deserved winner of the International Fogey after its huge run, hitting $1.10 in July, the highest since it was floated in 1983.
Silver Fogey
Before the German people agreed to swap their deutsche marks for euros, their leaders promised them that, no matter what happened, they would never, ever have to bail out other countries.
Well, look what’s happened. And for that the Germans deserve some silver – they’re going to need it. The eurozone crisis is just getting started, and they’re the ones on the hook.
Gold Fogey
Without further ado, I am pleased to announce that the winner of the Gold Fogey for 2011 is … gold.
And a deserved winner it is. While the market is down in the dumps, the gold bugs are only getting started.
Every time there’s a bad economic report, every time politicians pass the buck and fire up the printing presses, gold shines.
The yellow metal is up 20 per cent this year (despite a shake-out over the past week or so), and everyone likes things that go up. Well, except Warren Buffett, who thinks gold is a bubble – but then again what does he know?
With the global economy on a debt-induced crash course, at the very least you’ll be able to melt your Gold Fogey down and use it to buy some depression supplies – booze and baked beans.
So with that we bid you goodbye ’til next year!
Tread Your Own Path!
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bullionvault/3591745555/
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